Still in Austin

You ever have so much junk spinning around in your brain that you can’t think straight enough to even begin to convey anything coherent? As good a writer as people think I am, I just have not been able to find the words to explain how confused and overwhelmed I feel by life right now.

I read the comments and emails sent to me and I just have not been able to find it in myself to answer them. While I feel honored to still hear from people every day who tell me they’ve been moved by something I wrote in the past, it’s like they’ve written to this whole other person that I used to be, but I’m just not her anymore. I know there are people out there, both near and far, who sincerely care for me - and despite the fact that I do not personally respond sometimes, I am deeply touched by their concern.

So I’m going to try to be better about at least keeping up with this blog a little more frequently anyway…and then get on to answering more personal emails.

It’s hard to believe I’ve been “settled” in Austin for over 2 years now when my original intent was to be here for the birth of my granddaughter’s twins and then take off again.

So many life changes since then have affected me in many different ways. I have so fallen in love with those girls that it’s hard to imagine not seeing them on a regular basis to watch how much they’ve grown and changed.

Then my youngest daughter moved here with her now 3 year old from California and it was so wonderful to get to know Anna - I’d only seen her one other time since she was born. We are the light of each other’s lives and when she calls her “Ammaw” and tells me she loves me, my heart just melts. And of course just getting to spend so much time with both my daughters in one place at the same time has been a much needed added bonus.

I’ve often heard from people who tell me they’d love to travel like I do, but they just couldn’t leave their loved ones (particularly grandkids) to fulltime RV. While I understood the sentiment, I also maintained that after raising your kids as best you could, you just can’t continue to live your life for them and at some point, it was your rightful turn to live your life how you really wanted to just for yourself. But I understand the alternate position a lot better now - and that has led to a lot of conflict in my heart and mind.

As always, I come back to profound appreciation that I started fulltiming when I did in 2001. Even if I never travel again, I’ve packed a lot of incredible memories into the last 9 years with no regrets for leaving when I did, as difficult as that was at the time.

So I’ve been going through all the scenarios and possibilities available to me now. Mounting RV repair bills started me wondering whether to trade it in on something newer. Research finally showed that wouldn’t be the best course.

When my tenant didn’t renew the lease on my duplex, I thought maybe it was time to hang up the motorhome keys and move back in next door to my mom. Her advancing age and diminished capabilities made me wonder if that wouldn’t be best for everyone.

But the thought of never having the opportunity to drive off in my rolling home and never to see the rest of my “must-sees” did not set well in my gut at all and I know for sure I’m not ready to make that final decision at this point.

My virtual assistant work is going really well and I continue to be so thankful that I can work from home, wherever my home may be at the time.

My oldest daughter moved into the duplex and will be able to help mom more, a blessing for us all.

So at this point the furthest I’ve been able to plan is to make it to Michigan this summer as I had planned to last summer. While my mom and I have taken a short trip to New Orleans for a family celebration in August, I’ve really missed longer trips on my own timeframe. Until then, I want to make shorter trips including the kids and grandkids to the zoo, some Texas state parks, etc.

That’s about as much as I can go into right now. Again I apologize to those I have not personally answered. I’ve made it a goal to try to be more communicative - sort of a pre-New Years Eve resolution, so we’ll see how that goes…

RV Repair vs. Trade-in Debate

Even before I got to Austin I was considering whether or not to get a newer motorhome or just fix the one I have. Inspiration is now 9 years old and it was certainly now having its “issues.”

When the refrigerator went out, that was something I could not ignore. I had been living without a microwave/convection oven for months now by using a toaster oven while I was trying to decide what to do, but nothing can substitute for a refrigerator except another refrigerator. Once I found out that to replace my current refrigerator would cost in the thousands (and to add insult to injury, my windshield would have to be removed in order to get the refrigerator in and out), it was suggested that I should just get a regular household refrigerator. But I didn’t like that idea at all. I feel that if I’m going to fulltime RV, I want the ability to switch the power from electric to propane to run the refrigerator. The ability to boondock is essential in my book.

So the greatest stroke of good luck that I’d had in a very long time was that it turned out that the problem with the refrigerator was covered by a Norcold recall notice. What a blessing - this big problem was going to be fixed at no expense to me.

But the next problem that came to scare me the most was with the slide. It had slowly become reluctant to come out and was obviously out of alignment. At one point, when trying to retract it, it completely freaked out, went all crooked on me and made terrible noises while one side went down and the other one stayed put. It took a mobile repair service and $200 just to get it in and in good enough shape to drive it to the Winnebago dealer for the big fix.

While I was there, it was great to see Rob was still at Crestview RV. He was the salesman who turned me on to the people from whom I bought Inspiration way back in 2001. I wrote about that case of “kismet” on my website Inspiration’s Journey in The Long Answer about how I started fulltime RVing.

He showed me a new motorhome that was listed in the $90,000 range and we talked about the terms I could expect in our current totally screwed up market. Even though this may be a good time to buy a new RV because of the diminished demand and tighter credit, I found out that also means my older motorhome is now not worth as much as I owe on it, at least for sure not on a trade-in basis. I was not happy to find out I was upside down on my loan for the first time in the years since I bought it.

I was so careful to do all the right things to avoid that happening - not only had I gotten a fabulously good deal from the private seller, I put 10% down and amortized the loan over 15 years even though I could have gotten lower payments over a longer term.

All this is bad news not only for me, but it also made me sad that this market is so bad Rob is seriously considering having to get out of the business after 9 years - such a shame because he loves what he does and he’s really good at it - knowledgeable and experienced, yet empathetic toward the customer - the best combination in a salesman.

Besides that, the new motorhome I saw that day did not turn me on in the least. Not only would my payments be considerably more than they are now, I would be deeper in longer lasting debt for something that was not nearly as comfortable with all the bells and whistles I had become used to in my fulltime home. I knew I wouldn’t like having to downgrade amenities to that extent for even more money.

I finally decided that if I could pay out about $2,000 total to get Inspiration really road worthy again, that I would be better off doing that. My tires were great and only a year old and now I had a newly repaired refrigerator, two of the biggest ticket items there are. Mileage was still under 50,000 miles and I’d made sure to keep the engine well maintained and serviced.

Turned out that by the time I got Crestview to fix the slide, service the generator, check and reseal the roof where necessary, and some other more minor repairs, then got the microwave/convection replaced with a new one, and replaced the engine battery I am about at that threshold.

But I’m happy with my decision at this point. I honestly don’t know how much longer I’ll be willing or able to fulltime RV. But all this having to seriously consider NOT doing it (even though for some seemingly very good, practical reasons) has convinced me that I’m still not immune to the travel bug.

So I’ve got a few more months to get ready for the next leg of the adventure when I leave for Michigan in mid May. Not only am I looking forward to meeting a couple of my virtual attorney clients up in the Bloomfield Hills area, but I’ve always wanted to see the Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island. One of my all time favorite sappy movies is “Somewhere in Time” which was filmed there, so it’s been on my “must see” list for quite a while.

If any Michigan area RVers are reading this and have any tips about campgrounds or anything else, I’d sure appreciate hearing them!

Blurry 2008

2008 was a blur of activity with family, health and RV repair issues, but a vast wasteland as far as my having a positive attitude and being really happy with my life.

In almost the entire year I have been back in Austin, no matter how much or how little was going on, I just have not been able to make myself write much - not in my journal, not on the websites - but worst of all, I haven’t even been answering emails. And I’ve always felt when people took the time to read what I’ve written - then write to tell me they’ve been impacted by what I did or said - the least I could do is thank and acknowledge them. But I haven’t even managed that lately.

I’m still surprised that people who just discovered what I wrote years ago write and tell me how inspiring I am. Most times these days I don’t even know who that woman is anymore. Every time I sit down and try to answer someone, I feel like a hypocrite because I don’t feel in the least bit like the woman they expect to hear back from, so I haven’t been able to make myself answer them.

Other than being with my family, I’ve become more reclusive and less communicative. I haven’t felt inspired or inspirational. I certainly don’t feel brave or adventurous - qualities people seem to admire me for. I’ve had a lot more insecurities and downright fears about nearly everything - either continuing to fulltime RV or settling down again - neither thought really excites me anymore.

When I arrived back in Austin last November, I thought I would be here for a few months to see my granddaughter give birth and help out as much as I could with the family and financial issues involved there. But besides all that, it just felt right at the time to sit still for a while. As much as I loved it, I was really physically tired coming off of the Blue Ridge Parkway tour.

I also intended to take care of some routine health and dental exams. I guess that’s when the downhill slide and the insomnia started. A routine pap smear turned into a cervical cancer scare. While that turned out not to be the case, it still kinda took the wind out of my sails, particularly after finding out how much dental work was needed and how ridiculously much they charge for the privilege of torturing your mouth.

But I’ve made progress in a lot of areas and I’m starting to get excited about making plans for the summer in Michigan. More on that later…

So I’ve made the commitment to start here to write more. Maybe by getting it out of my head and on paper will reveal some answers and lift some of the fog of confusion I seem to operate under these days. More on that later, too...

On Hold

For the last month and a half, I don’t know if I was more worried about finding out I had cancer or the nasty procedure that would snip out a piece of my cervix to find out. I had the colposcopy yesterday afternoon. I have to admit it wasn’t nearly as painful or traumatic as I had feared. I’d expected to have to wait another week for results, but afterwards, she said she’d done this for 20 years and saw nothing in me that looked like cancer. She’ll call with the results, of course, but for now just plan on having pap tests every six months for the next two years to be safe.

My mind has been in such a jumbled state for so long that the relief has come in waves. Even though we all kept telling each other we knew it was going to be fine, my daughters and mom all said they were really more worried than they had let on. Me, too. I never would let myself dwell too long on the worst case scenario, but I have now realized there was a lot of my life I was putting on hold. It felt like ever since I got to Austin, not only my body, but my home was falling apart as well.

Is there some kind of weird connection?

Body: Lack of sleep was becoming more of an issue. My energy level was extremely low and enthusiasm for doing anything or going anywhere was pretty much zilch.

MH: Engine battery keeps dying. I’ve had to replace it way too often lately, but since I’m sitting still for a while, I put that on hold.

Body: My teeth needed attention and the dentist said I needed thousands of dollars of work done. Even though I know one of my crowns is cracking, since nothing hurt at the moment, I put that on hold.

MH: The slide had been out of adjustment for over a year, but after trying two places, I was told by an authorized Winnebago repair service that it would have to be completely removed to fix it - a time consuming and expensive proposition. Since it still worked and I didn’t have the money to spend, I put that on hold.

Body: Even if I don’t have cervical cancer (thank God), there are other physical issues I need to deal with as my body ages, including my diet, exercise and all that other non-fun stuff.

MH: Combo microwave and oven quit working. Tried all the breakers, etc. - everything else works, but it is completely lifeless. I miss it, but have been able to make do with the stove and the toaster oven. Another put off.

Besides the stuff already really broke, the general maintenance and repairs needed after 7 years of fulltiming in a rolling home was getting to be significant.

I’d already been through the thought process of whether I should just quit traveling and settle down, but it didn’t take long at all for my mind and heart to veto that idea. I may be a bit despondent and scared at the moment, but I am sure that I want to continue traveling whenever I can.

I’ve really loved my first motorhome and Inspiration has served me well. But I’ve been weighing the pros and cons of either keeping and repairing it, or possibly trading it in for a newer model.

With the RV market the way it is, I’m sure I’d have a better shot at trading it in for something newer at a dealer than I would trying to sell it myself. I still have three more years to pay on it, but I got such a great deal when I bought it, I don’t believe I’d have a problem at least getting what I owe on it.

I also like the idea of getting something a tad bit little smaller, maybe a 34 footer. There have been places I couldn’t fit into because of that 2-1/2 foot difference.

So I’ve been thinking that if I could find something for about the same price I paid for Inspiration, I’d still have about the same monthly payment as now. Only problem I’ve seen so far is that motorhomes I’ve seen online from dealers in that price range don’t have all the bells and whistles that this one has. I’ve gotten used to things like a heat pump so I don’t have to use my propane as much and a washer/dryer so I don’t have to go to the laundromat, just to name a couple.

But I’m going to start the process of looking around because as I’ve always told other people who write me about how I started fulltiming - start taking baby steps and somehow things start lining up. It’s good to have a goal again and I’m tired of being on hold!

Wake Up Calls

I’ve been so resistant to writing lately - things are so jumbled up in my mind, it’s hard to focus on one thing long enough to put anything down. Actually, whether for better or for worse, I’ve been resistant to a lot of things lately. And I have no idea about what to do about it - if indeed anything can or should be “done” at all.

When I first got back to Austin, I thought I would be here until May or June and would then hit the road again. I wanted to be here for the birth of my first great-grand-twins. I wanted to be here to help my daughter and granddaughter. I wanted to spend more time with my mom. I wanted some good Mexican food. I wanted to rest a while and get some kinks worked out of both my body and my motorhome.

Having experienced both the intense fears and joys of the twins’ birth in January, once they were more or less settled into their lives, I was ready to start concentrating more on my health and take care of some things that had started bothering me, both physical and mental.

For the last couple of years, my sleep patterns have gone from one extreme to the other. While I used to be able to sleep for 12 hours at a time when I had the chance, now getting more than 2 hours at a time became the challenge. I tried various “PM” medicines and they worked okay at first, but finally quit working at all. I can generally get to sleep pretty quickly, but within a couple of hours, I’m awake and can’t get back to sleep for at least an hour, when the same pattern begins again. Needless to say, I don’t get up in the morning feeling rested or refreshed, no matter how many delta sleep or meditation CDs I listen to during the night.

Of course, I felt like my lack of energy, as well as feelings of depression and anger, were related, and wishing, praying and hoping it away was not working. After a couple of friends mentioned that my symptoms sounded hormonal, I got to thinking. It occurred to me that when I very first started having symptoms of depression was when I started going through menopause around 1999-2000. While I used hormone replacement therapy early on for hot flashes, I got off them after a couple of years thinking that was the best thing to do. But now I wondered if hormones weren’t the magic answer for me.

Having read of some of the dangers of synthetic hormones, I wanted to try the more natural, bio-identical hormones. A friend recommended a nurse practitioner who specialized in such issues, so I made an appointment, grumbling all the while about how expensive it is not to have health insurance. Never mind that was a conscious decision I made when I started fulltime RVing. Hell, it’s expensive both to have and not have health insurance. And it’s easier to go without insurance when you’ve always been incredibly healthy than it is to forego a dream that might slip away if you wait for “perfect timing.”

She started me on a hormone formula that had no effect after a month. When I went back for the blood rest results, she said that my levels of progesterone, testosterone, and DHEA levels were okay, but estrogen was virtually non-existent in my body. I couldn’t help but think that God managed to get these delicate levels perfectly balanced until we’re past that natural stage of life. Then when man starts fooling around trying to replicate them, it’s hit or miss until the “magic” formula is found, if ever.

Maybe I shouldn’t even be fooling with this. But she gave me another compound to try and would call in a few days to see how that was going. She said I should have a pap smear, but I wanted to hold off on that. I used to have one faithfully every year with never a hint of a problem. Nothing nasty related like cervical cancer ran in my direct family. But she kindly insisted that I have the pap smear and, because part of the resistance was because of cost, she included it in the price of that visit.

When she called a few days later, I complained that the new formulation of hormones was not helping me sleep or feel better. I don’t even remember what she said about that, because her next words were about my pap smear showing some cellular abnormality. Okay, so what exactly does that mean? They won’t know anything definite until they do a procedure called a “colposcopy” where she looks more closely at my cervix and takes a tissue sample to test for malignancy.

Now that was a wake-up call, for sure! At this point, I’ve done some research, and I’m trying not to freak out until I know for sure what I’m dealing with. The colposcopy will be done on June 23rd. And for now I’m resistant to thinking about the future, whether good or bad.

I don’t know when I’ll be traveling again at this point. I’m certainly not willing to say or even think that I may never take off again. All I know for sure is that I’m so grateful that I started when I did. I’ve had seven tremendous years of being blessed to see things I never thought I’d ever get to see in my life. I hear from so many people lately who say they’ve planned for years to fulfill their dream of fulltime RVing, but now their house won’t sell, or gas has gone up too much, or their own health problems keep them from it now.

If I were to die tomorrow, I would have no regrets about following my travel dreams. When I took off in 2001, my first gas fill-up was $1.37/gallon. People were telling me I was crazy to start traveling with gas prices so high. When I took off for Alaska in 2003, gas was $1.74/gallon. I was advised to wait until gas prices went down, because surely they would. I’d love to see a gas station sign with $2.49 now, the highest price I paid the entire time I was exploring the Canadian Rockies and the wonders of Alaska.

So I still affirm that dreams can come true, despite the wisest counsel or statistics of any well-meaning nay-sayer. My advice: don’t wait - you never know when your wake-up call will come.

Both twins are home!

Cailie came home a couple of weeks before Cadence and we were all so anxious to see if there would be any reaction when they saw each other for the first time. But they were pretty zoned out at their first reunion and both slept right through it.

But Caitlin reports now that when she places them in the bed together for a nap, they end up closer together than she placed them. Seems like it's usually Cadence scootching over somehow just enough to put her hand on Cailie - sorta like looking for reassurance she's really there. I've got some other amazingly cute pictures that I'll be posting on the website soon.

I spent the day on Tuesday over at Alex's parents' house. That's where Caitlin and the twins are living now and we're all hoping those two can make their relationship work. Anyway, Alex's mom, Christene, and I babysat the twins while Angelique took Caitlin to her doctor appointment. Caitlin absolutely hates to be separated from them for any length of time, but we convinced her it was important for her to take care of herself. Everyone agrees she's doing an incredible job as a mom to her tiny girls. Christene says she is just in awe at how well Caitlin manages to completely care for the girls, mostly insisting on doing everything herself as much as possible. The first time she babysat, as Caitlin was leaving, she told Christene, "Now, when they both start crying at the same time, you're gonna kinda freak out, but don't worry you can do it." Every time I see them, it still just amazes me to think of caring for two babies at once - especially alone! Caitlin is pretty much on her own with them during the day when everyone else is at work or at school. She really does seem to be a natural and obviously loves being a mom. When Alex was joking with his grandparents about their having 11 kids and not understanding how they managed that, they told him he could do it, too, if he wanted to. He said, "No way" but Caitlin said, "Yes, we can." Christene chuckled when she told me that story and the look on Alex's face!

This Sunday we're going to try to get together - my mom, me, Angelique, Caitlin and the girls for a photo session. 5 generations - what a trip - and not too common! My mom just bursts with pride at being a great-great grandma and when she holds those girls, she just beams!

Continued Improvement!

Cailie is moving on to the next-step bed -- one where she is not monitored as closely as she has proven she can regulate her own temperature. Good girl!

Cadence is still improving from her bout with the bacterial meningitis - good girl, two!

Docs say that Cailie may be discharged in the next week or two. There will certainly be challenges because Caitlin cannot keep Cailie in the room at Seton House, so they will have to go home with Angelique. We'll just have to work it out to have someone to watch Cailie while Caitlin goes to the hospital to be with Cadence as much as possible. With all of us working, it won't be easy, but I'm hoping we'll find a way to make it all work so Cadence still gets a bunch of time with mom.

Angie and I are going to pick up one of the cribs this weekend. It's been wonderful how generous people have been with donations. We still need one crib, but are working on getting another to as closely match the one we already have - a cherrywood 4-in-1 deal that will convert to youth bed as they grow.

I'm sure there will be lots of conflicting info to come, but one we're dealing with now is the matter of the twins sleeping together. People at the hospital don't recommend it - says there is possibility of smothering each other, or passing germs if one is sick, etc. Another mom of twins I've been communicating with says exactly the opposite. Her twins were born about the same amount prematurely, were about the same weight and are now thriving at 11 months old.

She says, "Our girls slept together until about 2 months ago when they were too big to fit in one crib. They comforted each other if they woke during the night and actually slept a lot better together. Many mornings we would wake up to check on them and they were holding hands. I think it creates a great bond. Also let her know that it is amazing watching these little girls grow up. A mother has unconditional love for a child but you can truly see unconditional love between twins. My girls truly love each other with all their heart. More so than sibling love only, they share a special connection. They hold hands, kiss each other, find each other if one is crying, talk in their own little language and everything. It is awesome."

Isn't that wonderful? Angelique and I tend to side with them sleeping together, but hate to contradict what their doctors say, too. Any comments from other experienced moms of twins out there?