Malia's Miles

New blog

2011-01-31T21:15:00.000-08:00

I've started a blog to go along with my website and won't be posting here anymore. Please visit me at http://www.maliasmiles.com/blog/
Thanks!
Malia

The Saga Continues…

2010-02-18T17:59:00.000-08:00

2/17/10

But then again, so do the angels continue to appear, thank God…

So I took the car to the Ford dealer today to get the transmission fluid checked. See my post below about how all that came about.

My cousins and I thought that the transmission fluid had just bubbled over since it was just a little low and suggested I get some and fill it. But thankfully I thought it best to get the dealer to check it out.

I went to nearby Robinson Brothers Ford and explained to Chris Sansbury, the service advisor, why we were here and what had happened with the car smoking, etc. He checked the fluid levels and said he didn’t think that was it or that I had done anything wrong in the towing. Then he noticed that the car was leaking something from underneath. When he came back shortly, he said there was actually a service bulletin about this kind of problem sometimes happening before in other Fords. Turns out the transmission needs to be pulled and may have to be rebuilt, a process that would take at least a couple of days. He said he just couldn’t let me continue to drive it like that and that it could freeze up on me, creating a very dangerous situation.

I could feel my bottom lip start to quiver as I tried to keep myself from crying. But he saw the tears welling up and assured me it was covered under warranty, and that even though I didn’t have extended coverage that would pay for a rental car, they were going to do that anyway. He was so concerned and compassionate, I really couldn’t keep myself from crying then.

But that sweet angel comforted me as best he could and called Enterprise rental to get me a car for as long as the repairs took - no charge.

When we got to Enterprise, they informed me that due to Mardi Gras, all their cars were out, but they could put me in a dually pickup truck. My first response was, “No way - I’ve never driven anything like that!”

Then I had to laugh when I thought of driving my 36’ motorhome, so surely I could handle a regular truck. But I had nasty visions about trying to get mom in and out of something that high.

They finally came up with a very cool looking sporty Mustang convertible - something I’m sure I would have loved in my younger years. But now it feels and rides so low to the ground, not only Mom finds it hard to get in and out of. And the reason I was happy to move into a little SUV instead of my little Saturn was how it sat higher. And I’m having a time getting used to the much more powerful and responsive engine trying not to peel out of parking lots like an idiot. It’s amazing how I can always find so much to gripe about instead of being thankful that yet another potentially catastrophic situation had been avoided…

2/18/10

Chris called today to say the parts were in and they think they might just have to replace the seal by where the shaft goes in (well, that's what he said - not that I know what that means), but hopefully it won't be as big a deal as he first thought. I know we look cool in the ragtop, but I'll be glad to have my own car back!

2/19/10

Chris called at around 4:30 and said they were on the last leg of getting the transmission fixed and they had moved heaven and earth to get it done before the weekend.

After I returned the Mustang and made it to Ford, he told me the main problem had been getting the part. Since this issue was part of a recent service bulletin, when they called to get the part, they were told that 2,500 were on back order and it would be about 2 weeks. That's when the big gun, Jim Nations, the Parts Service Director, got involved. He told Chris, "We're going to find this part!" I hadn't even heard about this particular miracle until then, but somehow he had it delivered the next day and Vern got to work on it and got 'er done!

I had promised Chris that I would give Vern a big kiss for this "over and above" effort, and after his thorough test drive, I was glad to oblige - besides, he was really cute! :)

When I insisted on taking a pic of Chris and Vern, I told Vern that I really appreciated him, but that I hoped he was my last angel this trip. I appreciated the angels, but I'd just as soon be through with the necessity for them for a while.

While I was taking the pic, the Service Manager, Ronnie Frioux, came out. Even though I had never met him before, he was aware of my situation and was so kind and friendly, that I insisted on having him in the picture, also. So if you're ever in Baton Rouge needing repair work on your Ford, don't miss the chance to meet these angels!

(from left to right:) Chris, Ronnie and Vern

Missing my Nanny already!

2010-02-13T19:23:00.000-08:00

I can’t even begin to describe the intense sadness of watching my favorite aunt and Godmother (“Nanny” to us Cajuns) dying of lung cancer. Seeing that vibrant, complex and strong woman reduced to a frail, physical being, sensing her spirit fading, I still marvel at how strong the will to live really is - and how much the body will endure before finally having to give up...

My aunt at her confirmation (13 years old?). Thank God she really wasn't as angelic and innocent as she looked here, or I never could have related to her so well... :)

Since I could never properly convey how painful it is to watch not only her, but her 5 kids, grandkids, brothers and sisters (the oldest being my mom) going through this part of the life/death experience, I’m going to record the events that happened getting me and my 83 year old mom here to Baton Rouge from Austin. A mere 400 mile trip where we met with aggravating obstacles and delays, but also met many real live angels at the same time.

We left on Tuesday, Feb. 9, and the first aggravation was my own increasing fear about things I haven’t done before. Since I just recently got my new-to-me Ford Escape after my little Saturn bit the dust, its heavier weight required an auxiliary braking system for the car, a “Brake Buddy” (hopefully appropriately named, but the jury is still out on that one).

So, I’m towing a heavier car for the first time with new and different instructions I’m not used to, using a cumbersome and expensive device that seems unfairly complicated to me right now - and I’m peeved at myself for being such a fraidy-cat. I shouldn’t have such butterflies in my stomach, and I think if I had been this nervous about the much more daunting task of learning to drive a 36’ motorhome when I first took off in 2001, I never would have left.

I’m not at all amused at how much more fearful I get as I get older and how much louder are the voices of self doubt…

We broke the trip up into 2 days since it’s hard on both me and my mom to travel much more in a day. And I hate driving in the rain!

Since I hadn’t been able to get the tires checked right before we left, when I saw a truck service place (Bosselman) next to the Flying J in Brookshire, TX where we ate and filled up the ever-hungry motorhome with gas, I asked if they could check the tires for proper pressure and explained this was a last minute trip to see my aunt before she passed. The General Manager, Harm Asbury, was incredibly nice and stopped what he was doing, pulled out the truck that was in the bay, and had us drive in so he could have them aired up. They had a bit of trouble with one of the inside rear tires with the long valve stem, and it took a bit of time and doing.

When the office lady came out and started writing up the invoice, she at first said it would be $47.50 for checking all the tires (no charge for the air, thank God), but I still exclaimed, “Wow!” She said that was the usual charge for the big rigs they usually work on, but once she realized I had only 6 tires, the total would be $15.

I was satisfied with that, and by the time she got through writing up the ticket, Harm came back to the office and asked what she was doing. Then he said “No way - no charge for this.” I said it was perfectly fine given the time and trouble and immediate service, but he just looked at me and said “I’m not going to take your money!” I was so taken aback by his kindness, I started blubbering and thanking him profusely. This was the first “angel” we met on this unusual odyssey - and not the last time I cried - sometimes from grief and other times from relief at how kind strangers can be.

But now happy enough that my tires were happy, we later stopped for the night halfway to Baton Rouge at a rather sad RV park on I-10, but at least we stayed warm and dry.

The next morning, I performed all the requisite steps in getting the car ready to tow again and all seemed to be going well enough. But 80 miles after we left, I heard an unusual, but not terribly loud squeaking noise coming from the right side of the RV. Mom didn’t hear it and thought it was just usual wind noise, but I knew it just didn’t sound right and started looking for a place to pull over - not always the easiest thing to do in a 36’ motorhome towing a car that you can’t back up even an inch.

Just as we were approaching the tall bridge into Lake Charles, people in a car next to us on the passenger side were honking and waving and pointing to the right side of the motorhome. I couldn’t imagine if a tire had blown on the motorhome or car that I wouldn’t have felt that... and I could still see the car attached in the rear view camera... maybe a storage bin had come unlocked and my stuff was being thrown all over the highway... but, no, I could see that in my big mirrors if it were that... my mind was racing trying to figure it out.

That was the longest bridge ever, but right after it I found a place to pull over. As soon as I opened the motorhome door, I saw what the problem was. The two automatic steps were stuck in the extended out position. They stick out too far from the side of the motorhome to safely drive like that. I had never had this problem before and tried everything I knew to do to retract them with no luck. The stairs usually automatically go in when the door is shut unless you have the keep-open switch on, which it wasn’t. And they always go in whenever the engine is started, but nooo...not this time.

I called the Winnebago dealer and he confirmed I had already done everything possible on my end and it was either a blown fuse, loss of power to the steps, the motor had gone bad, or a sensor was broken. I have roadside assistance for the RV, so they had someone out there in about an hour. That’s when we met our second angel.

This truck repair tech ("Catfish") from Martin Truck Center knew what he was doing and he tried everything, including talking to the Winnebago rep about schematics in what sounded like a foreign language. They finally concluded that the magnetic sensor on the door had gone bad and thought the door was always open. He didn’t have that part in stock and we couldn’t sit there and wait two days to get it, but he didn’t give up. He was able to wire it so the steps stayed in permanently. I could easily enough get in and out, but I knew my mom couldn’t manage that with her bad knee, arthritis, etc.

But as Scarlett said, tomorrow is another day and I just couldn’t think about that right now. So after a 2 hour delay, we kept on truckin’, thinking it most important to get to the campground and settled in before dark and get to see my nanny.

As perturbed as I was, I still couldn’t help but be thankful when thinking about how much worse it could have been. If I had hit the stairs on one of the concrete construction barriers that always feel too close in such a large RV, it could have not only torn the stairs off, but taken them down the side of the motorhome and maybe even into the tires - a much worse fate than what actually happened.

So when we were about 10 miles from Baton Rouge, I got a call from my other aunt, frustrated because they were held up by a wreck on I-10 between New Orleans and Baton Rouge, asking where we were because the doctor had advised calling all her 5 kids as it really looked like the end was imminently near.

She had refused pain meds for the last 13 hours because she knew they knocked her out and she kept asking for different loved ones. Her kids were all there, and she knew we were on the way, as well as her other sister and brothers, so she said she wanted to wait for us all.

I was cursing the fates for the two hour delay for the stairs which might mean we would miss our last chance to say our goodbyes and hold her hand again. That’s when we ran into heavy rush hour traffic - unbelievably dense for such a relatively small city like Baton Rouge.

I figured there was no place big enough at the small hospice location, so I knew I had to get to the campground first and leave the motorhome there. Still cursing, I finally arrived, unhooked the car and backed in the motorhome to a pretty tight spot in record time. I didn’t worry about extending slides or hooking anything up except the power so I could turn on the heater because my mom is constantly freezing. But this time it wasn't just her thermostat - it really was freezing and miserably drizzling and the weather reports were predicting snow the next day, a real oddity for Baton Rouge!

We sped off to the hospice in the car, only 3 miles from the campground. By the time we got there, my cousin was outside to help mom out of the car. When she opened the door, we saw smoke pouring out from under the car with a stinky burning smell. Again, I pulled a Scarlett and couldn't think about that then, as I rushed to park and get in to see my aunt.

Thankfully, we all got there and she recognized each one and spoke softly but lucidly a little to us.

I think I was most thrilled to hear that by now she seemed to understand at least somewhat that the Saints won the Super Bowl. One of my early childhood memories growing up in New Orleans was my mom and aunt coming back from the football games hoarse from screaming and cheering for them – sometimes in the ice and rain – since the team’s very beginning. Some years they would swear they would not buy any more season tickets to see such consistent losers, but when it came right down to it, the tickets were always bought and they might come home heartbroken, but they still went and came back hoarse. I swear they were some of the Saints earliest and most loyal fans - true “fanatics."

Her two daughters had been at hospice watching the game “with” her on Sunday, but she had never really gained consciousness that day. When I spoke to them, the image they evoked of draping her chest with her Saints t-shirt and softly cheering the Saints on for her was just heartbreaking to me.

She had a different “Saints - Who Dat Super Bowl Champs!” t-shirt across her when we arrived and again that just choked me up.

But then she started getting more agitated than usual. The hospice attendant (another angel in human garb) said it’s typical and is appropriately called “terminal agitation” where the dying kind of talk out of their heads and nothing you can say will really calm them. It indicates the end is really near.

She was ready for her pain meds and “comfort cocktail” by that time. My mom was exhausted, so all my aunt’s 3 sons came out to look at my car. Once I explained what was involved in towing, this was my first time with this car and Brake Buddy, etc., they checked everything and said it looked like transmission fluid had bubbled up and hit the hot manifold, smoking and stinking. I think I should have idled the car for 5 minutes and ran it through the gears before taking off after unhooking (something the manual says to do every 500 miles), but since it had only been towed for 200 miles that last stretch, and I was in such a hurry, I hadn’t even thought of it. After watching me drive around the parking lot with no more smoke, we drove back to the campground with no problems.

I had put a step stool outside the motorhome, and even though it was a bit higher than usual, I was able to successfully get mom out of the motorhome when we left for hospice. But getting her back up and into the motorhome proved much more challenging. She just couldn’t lift her knee high enough to make the step up, so she had to sit on the edge of the motorhome and pull her legs around until she was sitting on the floor of the motorhome. Getting her actually up off the floor was another difficult challenge with us looking like the Keystone Cops, but we finally made it. And I just had to laugh at her remark, "The Golden Years, hell!"

That’s when I realized I had plugged in the motorhome electricity, but had forgotten to actually turn on the heater, so it was freezing in the motorhome. My poor kitty Gypsy made her displeasure known by seranading us with her most obnoxious whines.

It was dark by this time, but I still had to complete the setting up procedures on the motorhome. The first step is to lower the hydraulic jacks for stabilization and leveling, necessary before I can extend the living room and bedroom slides.

As I was lowering the jacks (just pushing buttons from the inside of the coach), I heard another unusual sound, this time a sickening crunch. I went outside and could see that the rear jacks had come down right at the tip of the concrete bumper at the back of the site. The jack bottoms were angled down and looked bent. I went back inside and couldn’t get them to come back up. So I inched up the motorhome until the jacks cleared the bumper and they came up. I then positioned the motorhome so the rear jacks were totally clear of the bumper but the front still not too far into the road, a feat in itself.

But now the jacks wouldn’t go down again.

It was about then that I started to feel panicky. If I can’t get the slides out, I can’t pull out the bed that my mom sleeps on, so she would have to sleep in my bed with me. With my insomnia and her snoring, I knew I’d never get any sleep.

As I ran through everything in my mind, I realized I just hadn’t put the parking brake on that time and the jacks won’t go down without them. Once everything was in place, they went down fine and don’t look bent anymore.

Yet another case of just having to be thankful for what could have been not happening. If I had screwed up the hydraulic jacks, not only would I lose sleep over mom’s snoring, but also over what an expensive repair that would be.

At that point, it was 8:30 pm and I still had a couple of hours of work to do, but again, as tired as I was, I was also thankful to have the income.

In Baton Rouge, we’re staying at the Jimmy Swaggart Ministries, which has 10 full hookup RV spots on their grounds. I was told about this from the nearest regular RV park I could find when I called to stay near the hospice. Instead of just taking my business, that nice woman told me about this deal - much cheaper and closer.

The next day, Thursday, I saw a maintenance man drive by and I stopped to explain my situation with the stairs and getting my mom in and out of the motorhome. I asked if he had a pallet or something like that I could use to put under the stepstool to help break up the height of the one step. He kindly said “Let me go see what I can do.”

He came back shortly and had built a 2 step deal out of sturdy wood and it worked perfectly! When I tried to convey my thanks, he sincerely said, “No - I thank you - this is such a blessing to me to be able to help someone today. I am happy now, but I wouldn’t be if I couldn’t have helped you!”

Our angel, Earl, with the stairs he made for us. Mom and I both say
every time we go down them, "Bless Earl."

See what I mean about angels in human disguise?

Still in Austin

2009-11-29T18:07:00.000-08:00

You ever have so much junk spinning around in your brain that you can’t think straight enough to even begin to convey anything coherent? As good a writer as people think I am, I just have not been able to find the words to explain how confused and overwhelmed I feel by life right now.

I read the comments and emails sent to me and I just have not been able to find it in myself to answer them. While I feel honored to still hear from people every day who tell me they’ve been moved by something I wrote in the past, it’s like they’ve written to this whole other person that I used to be, but I’m just not her anymore. I know there are people out there, both near and far, who sincerely care for me - and despite the fact that I do not personally respond sometimes, I am deeply touched by their concern.

So I’m going to try to be better about at least keeping up with this blog a little more frequently anyway…and then get on to answering more personal emails.

It’s hard to believe I’ve been “settled” in Austin for over 2 years now when my original intent was to be here for the birth of my granddaughter’s twins and then take off again.

So many life changes since then have affected me in many different ways. I have so fallen in love with those girls that it’s hard to imagine not seeing them on a regular basis to watch how much they’ve grown and changed.

Then my youngest daughter moved here with her now 3 year old from California and it was so wonderful to get to know Anna - I’d only seen her one other time since she was born. We are the light of each other’s lives and when she calls her “Ammaw” and tells me she loves me, my heart just melts. And of course just getting to spend so much time with both my daughters in one place at the same time has been a much needed added bonus.

I’ve often heard from people who tell me they’d love to travel like I do, but they just couldn’t leave their loved ones (particularly grandkids) to fulltime RV. While I understood the sentiment, I also maintained that after raising your kids as best you could, you just can’t continue to live your life for them and at some point, it was your rightful turn to live your life how you really wanted to just for yourself. But I understand the alternate position a lot better now - and that has led to a lot of conflict in my heart and mind.

As always, I come back to profound appreciation that I started fulltiming when I did in 2001. Even if I never travel again, I’ve packed a lot of incredible memories into the last 9 years with no regrets for leaving when I did, as difficult as that was at the time.

So I’ve been going through all the scenarios and possibilities available to me now. Mounting RV repair bills started me wondering whether to trade it in on something newer. Research finally showed that wouldn’t be the best course.

When my tenant didn’t renew the lease on my duplex, I thought maybe it was time to hang up the motorhome keys and move back in next door to my mom. Her advancing age and diminished capabilities made me wonder if that wouldn’t be best for everyone.

But the thought of never having the opportunity to drive off in my rolling home and never to see the rest of my “must-sees” did not set well in my gut at all and I know for sure I’m not ready to make that final decision at this point.

My virtual assistant work is going really well and I continue to be so thankful that I can work from home, wherever my home may be at the time.

My oldest daughter moved into the duplex and will be able to help mom more, a blessing for us all.

So at this point the furthest I’ve been able to plan is to make it to Michigan this summer as I had planned to last summer. While my mom and I have taken a short trip to New Orleans for a family celebration in August, I’ve really missed longer trips on my own timeframe. Until then, I want to make shorter trips including the kids and grandkids to the zoo, some Texas state parks, etc.

That’s about as much as I can go into right now. Again I apologize to those I have not personally answered. I’ve made it a goal to try to be more communicative - sort of a pre-New Years Eve resolution, so we’ll see how that goes…

RV Repair vs. Trade-in Debate

2009-02-03T19:50:00.000-08:00

Even before I got to Austin I was considering whether or not to get a newer motorhome or just fix the one I have. Inspiration is now 9 years old and it was certainly now having its “issues.”

When the refrigerator went out, that was something I could not ignore. I had been living without a microwave/convection oven for months now by using a toaster oven while I was trying to decide what to do, but nothing can substitute for a refrigerator except another refrigerator. Once I found out that to replace my current refrigerator would cost in the thousands (and to add insult to injury, my windshield would have to be removed in order to get the refrigerator in and out), it was suggested that I should just get a regular household refrigerator. But I didn’t like that idea at all. I feel that if I’m going to fulltime RV, I want the ability to switch the power from electric to propane to run the refrigerator. The ability to boondock is essential in my book.

So the greatest stroke of good luck that I’d had in a very long time was that it turned out that the problem with the refrigerator was covered by a Norcold recall notice. What a blessing - this big problem was going to be fixed at no expense to me.

But the next problem that came to scare me the most was with the slide. It had slowly become reluctant to come out and was obviously out of alignment. At one point, when trying to retract it, it completely freaked out, went all crooked on me and made terrible noises while one side went down and the other one stayed put. It took a mobile repair service and $200 just to get it in and in good enough shape to drive it to the Winnebago dealer for the big fix.

While I was there, it was great to see Rob was still at Crestview RV. He was the salesman who turned me on to the people from whom I bought Inspiration way back in 2001. I wrote about that case of “kismet” on my website Inspiration’s Journey in The Long Answer about how I started fulltime RVing.

He showed me a new motorhome that was listed in the $90,000 range and we talked about the terms I could expect in our current totally screwed up market. Even though this may be a good time to buy a new RV because of the diminished demand and tighter credit, I found out that also means my older motorhome is now not worth as much as I owe on it, at least for sure not on a trade-in basis. I was not happy to find out I was upside down on my loan for the first time in the years since I bought it.

I was so careful to do all the right things to avoid that happening - not only had I gotten a fabulously good deal from the private seller, I put 10% down and amortized the loan over 15 years even though I could have gotten lower payments over a longer term.

All this is bad news not only for me, but it also made me sad that this market is so bad Rob is seriously considering having to get out of the business after 9 years - such a shame because he loves what he does and he’s really good at it - knowledgeable and experienced, yet empathetic toward the customer - the best combination in a salesman.

Besides that, the new motorhome I saw that day did not turn me on in the least. Not only would my payments be considerably more than they are now, I would be deeper in longer lasting debt for something that was not nearly as comfortable with all the bells and whistles I had become used to in my fulltime home. I knew I wouldn’t like having to downgrade amenities to that extent for even more money.

I finally decided that if I could pay out about $2,000 total to get Inspiration really road worthy again, that I would be better off doing that. My tires were great and only a year old and now I had a newly repaired refrigerator, two of the biggest ticket items there are. Mileage was still under 50,000 miles and I’d made sure to keep the engine well maintained and serviced.

Turned out that by the time I got Crestview to fix the slide, service the generator, check and reseal the roof where necessary, and some other more minor repairs, then got the microwave/convection replaced with a new one, and replaced the engine battery I am about at that threshold.

But I’m happy with my decision at this point. I honestly don’t know how much longer I’ll be willing or able to fulltime RV. But all this having to seriously consider NOT doing it (even though for some seemingly very good, practical reasons) has convinced me that I’m still not immune to the travel bug.

So I’ve got a few more months to get ready for the next leg of the adventure when I leave for Michigan in mid May. Not only am I looking forward to meeting a couple of my virtual attorney clients up in the Bloomfield Hills area, but I’ve always wanted to see the Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island. One of my all time favorite sappy movies is “Somewhere in Time” which was filmed there, so it’s been on my “must see” list for quite a while.

If any Michigan area RVers are reading this and have any tips about campgrounds or anything else, I’d sure appreciate hearing them!

Blurry 2008

2009-02-02T19:16:00.000-08:00

2008 was a blur of activity with family, health and RV repair issues, but a vast wasteland as far as my having a positive attitude and being really happy with my life.

In almost the entire year I have been back in Austin, no matter how much or how little was going on, I just have not been able to make myself write much - not in my journal, not on the websites - but worst of all, I haven’t even been answering emails. And I’ve always felt when people took the time to read what I’ve written - then write to tell me they’ve been impacted by what I did or said - the least I could do is thank and acknowledge them. But I haven’t even managed that lately.

I’m still surprised that people who just discovered what I wrote years ago write and tell me how inspiring I am. Most times these days I don’t even know who that woman is anymore. Every time I sit down and try to answer someone, I feel like a hypocrite because I don’t feel in the least bit like the woman they expect to hear back from, so I haven’t been able to make myself answer them.

Other than being with my family, I’ve become more reclusive and less communicative. I haven’t felt inspired or inspirational. I certainly don’t feel brave or adventurous - qualities people seem to admire me for. I’ve had a lot more insecurities and downright fears about nearly everything - either continuing to fulltime RV or settling down again - neither thought really excites me anymore.

When I arrived back in Austin last November, I thought I would be here for a few months to see my granddaughter give birth and help out as much as I could with the family and financial issues involved there. But besides all that, it just felt right at the time to sit still for a while. As much as I loved it, I was really physically tired coming off of the Blue Ridge Parkway tour.

I also intended to take care of some routine health and dental exams. I guess that’s when the downhill slide and the insomnia started. A routine pap smear turned into a cervical cancer scare. While that turned out not to be the case, it still kinda took the wind out of my sails, particularly after finding out how much dental work was needed and how ridiculously much they charge for the privilege of torturing your mouth.

But I’ve made progress in a lot of areas and I’m starting to get excited about making plans for the summer in Michigan. More on that later…

So I’ve made the commitment to start here to write more. Maybe by getting it out of my head and on paper will reveal some answers and lift some of the fog of confusion I seem to operate under these days. More on that later, too...

On Hold

2008-06-24T19:31:00.000-07:00

For the last month and a half, I don’t know if I was more worried about finding out I had cancer or the nasty procedure that would snip out a piece of my cervix to find out. I had the colposcopy yesterday afternoon. I have to admit it wasn’t nearly as painful or traumatic as I had feared. I’d expected to have to wait another week for results, but afterwards, she said she’d done this for 20 years and saw nothing in me that looked like cancer. She’ll call with the results, of course, but for now just plan on having pap tests every six months for the next two years to be safe.

My mind has been in such a jumbled state for so long that the relief has come in waves. Even though we all kept telling each other we knew it was going to be fine, my daughters and mom all said they were really more worried than they had let on. Me, too. I never would let myself dwell too long on the worst case scenario, but I have now realized there was a lot of my life I was putting on hold. It felt like ever since I got to Austin, not only my body, but my home was falling apart as well.

Is there some kind of weird connection?

Body: Lack of sleep was becoming more of an issue. My energy level was extremely low and enthusiasm for doing anything or going anywhere was pretty much zilch.

MH: Engine battery keeps dying. I’ve had to replace it way too often lately, but since I’m sitting still for a while, I put that on hold.

Body: My teeth needed attention and the dentist said I needed thousands of dollars of work done. Even though I know one of my crowns is cracking, since nothing hurt at the moment, I put that on hold.

MH: The slide had been out of adjustment for over a year, but after trying two places, I was told by an authorized Winnebago repair service that it would have to be completely removed to fix it - a time consuming and expensive proposition. Since it still worked and I didn’t have the money to spend, I put that on hold.

Body: Even if I don’t have cervical cancer (thank God), there are other physical issues I need to deal with as my body ages, including my diet, exercise and all that other non-fun stuff.

MH: Combo microwave and oven quit working. Tried all the breakers, etc. - everything else works, but it is completely lifeless. I miss it, but have been able to make do with the stove and the toaster oven. Another put off.

Besides the stuff already really broke, the general maintenance and repairs needed after 7 years of fulltiming in a rolling home was getting to be significant.

I’d already been through the thought process of whether I should just quit traveling and settle down, but it didn’t take long at all for my mind and heart to veto that idea. I may be a bit despondent and scared at the moment, but I am sure that I want to continue traveling whenever I can.

I’ve really loved my first motorhome and Inspiration has served me well. But I’ve been weighing the pros and cons of either keeping and repairing it, or possibly trading it in for a newer model.

With the RV market the way it is, I’m sure I’d have a better shot at trading it in for something newer at a dealer than I would trying to sell it myself. I still have three more years to pay on it, but I got such a great deal when I bought it, I don’t believe I’d have a problem at least getting what I owe on it.

I also like the idea of getting something a tad bit little smaller, maybe a 34 footer. There have been places I couldn’t fit into because of that 2-1/2 foot difference.

So I’ve been thinking that if I could find something for about the same price I paid for Inspiration, I’d still have about the same monthly payment as now. Only problem I’ve seen so far is that motorhomes I’ve seen online from dealers in that price range don’t have all the bells and whistles that this one has. I’ve gotten used to things like a heat pump so I don’t have to use my propane as much and a washer/dryer so I don’t have to go to the laundromat, just to name a couple.

But I’m going to start the process of looking around because as I’ve always told other people who write me about how I started fulltiming - start taking baby steps and somehow things start lining up. It’s good to have a goal again and I’m tired of being on hold!

Wake Up Calls

2008-05-25T18:45:00.000-07:00

I’ve been so resistant to writing lately - things are so jumbled up in my mind, it’s hard to focus on one thing long enough to put anything down. Actually, whether for better or for worse, I’ve been resistant to a lot of things lately. And I have no idea about what to do about it - if indeed anything can or should be “done” at all.

When I first got back to Austin, I thought I would be here until May or June and would then hit the road again. I wanted to be here for the birth of my first great-grand-twins. I wanted to be here to help my daughter and granddaughter. I wanted to spend more time with my mom. I wanted some good Mexican food. I wanted to rest a while and get some kinks worked out of both my body and my motorhome.

Having experienced both the intense fears and joys of the twins’ birth in January, once they were more or less settled into their lives, I was ready to start concentrating more on my health and take care of some things that had started bothering me, both physical and mental.

For the last couple of years, my sleep patterns have gone from one extreme to the other. While I used to be able to sleep for 12 hours at a time when I had the chance, now getting more than 2 hours at a time became the challenge. I tried various “PM” medicines and they worked okay at first, but finally quit working at all. I can generally get to sleep pretty quickly, but within a couple of hours, I’m awake and can’t get back to sleep for at least an hour, when the same pattern begins again. Needless to say, I don’t get up in the morning feeling rested or refreshed, no matter how many delta sleep or meditation CDs I listen to during the night.

Of course, I felt like my lack of energy, as well as feelings of depression and anger, were related, and wishing, praying and hoping it away was not working. After a couple of friends mentioned that my symptoms sounded hormonal, I got to thinking. It occurred to me that when I very first started having symptoms of depression was when I started going through menopause around 1999-2000. While I used hormone replacement therapy early on for hot flashes, I got off them after a couple of years thinking that was the best thing to do. But now I wondered if hormones weren’t the magic answer for me.

Having read of some of the dangers of synthetic hormones, I wanted to try the more natural, bio-identical hormones. A friend recommended a nurse practitioner who specialized in such issues, so I made an appointment, grumbling all the while about how expensive it is not to have health insurance. Never mind that was a conscious decision I made when I started fulltime RVing. Hell, it’s expensive both to have and not have health insurance. And it’s easier to go without insurance when you’ve always been incredibly healthy than it is to forego a dream that might slip away if you wait for “perfect timing.”

She started me on a hormone formula that had no effect after a month. When I went back for the blood rest results, she said that my levels of progesterone, testosterone, and DHEA levels were okay, but estrogen was virtually non-existent in my body. I couldn’t help but think that God managed to get these delicate levels perfectly balanced until we’re past that natural stage of life. Then when man starts fooling around trying to replicate them, it’s hit or miss until the “magic” formula is found, if ever.

Maybe I shouldn’t even be fooling with this. But she gave me another compound to try and would call in a few days to see how that was going. She said I should have a pap smear, but I wanted to hold off on that. I used to have one faithfully every year with never a hint of a problem. Nothing nasty related like cervical cancer ran in my direct family. But she kindly insisted that I have the pap smear and, because part of the resistance was because of cost, she included it in the price of that visit.

When she called a few days later, I complained that the new formulation of hormones was not helping me sleep or feel better. I don’t even remember what she said about that, because her next words were about my pap smear showing some cellular abnormality. Okay, so what exactly does that mean? They won’t know anything definite until they do a procedure called a “colposcopy” where she looks more closely at my cervix and takes a tissue sample to test for malignancy.

Now that was a wake-up call, for sure! At this point, I’ve done some research, and I’m trying not to freak out until I know for sure what I’m dealing with. The colposcopy will be done on June 23rd. And for now I’m resistant to thinking about the future, whether good or bad.

I don’t know when I’ll be traveling again at this point. I’m certainly not willing to say or even think that I may never take off again. All I know for sure is that I’m so grateful that I started when I did. I’ve had seven tremendous years of being blessed to see things I never thought I’d ever get to see in my life. I hear from so many people lately who say they’ve planned for years to fulfill their dream of fulltime RVing, but now their house won’t sell, or gas has gone up too much, or their own health problems keep them from it now.

If I were to die tomorrow, I would have no regrets about following my travel dreams. When I took off in 2001, my first gas fill-up was $1.37/gallon. People were telling me I was crazy to start traveling with gas prices so high. When I took off for Alaska in 2003, gas was $1.74/gallon. I was advised to wait until gas prices went down, because surely they would. I’d love to see a gas station sign with $2.49 now, the highest price I paid the entire time I was exploring the Canadian Rockies and the wonders of Alaska.

So I still affirm that dreams can come true, despite the wisest counsel or statistics of any well-meaning nay-sayer. My advice: don’t wait - you never know when your wake-up call will come.

Both twins are home!

2008-03-14T18:23:00.000-07:00

Cailie came home a couple of weeks before Cadence and we were all so anxious to see if there would be any reaction when they saw each other for the first time. But they were pretty zoned out at their first reunion and both slept right through it.

But Caitlin reports now that when she places them in the bed together for a nap, they end up closer together than she placed them. Seems like it's usually Cadence scootching over somehow just enough to put her hand on Cailie - sorta like looking for reassurance she's really there. I've got some other amazingly cute pictures that I'll be posting on the website soon.

I spent the day on Tuesday over at Alex's parents' house. That's where Caitlin and the twins are living now and we're all hoping those two can make their relationship work. Anyway, Alex's mom, Christene, and I babysat the twins while Angelique took Caitlin to her doctor appointment. Caitlin absolutely hates to be separated from them for any length of time, but we convinced her it was important for her to take care of herself. Everyone agrees she's doing an incredible job as a mom to her tiny girls. Christene says she is just in awe at how well Caitlin manages to completely care for the girls, mostly insisting on doing everything herself as much as possible. The first time she babysat, as Caitlin was leaving, she told Christene, "Now, when they both start crying at the same time, you're gonna kinda freak out, but don't worry you can do it." Every time I see them, it still just amazes me to think of caring for two babies at once - especially alone! Caitlin is pretty much on her own with them during the day when everyone else is at work or at school. She really does seem to be a natural and obviously loves being a mom. When Alex was joking with his grandparents about their having 11 kids and not understanding how they managed that, they told him he could do it, too, if he wanted to. He said, "No way" but Caitlin said, "Yes, we can." Christene chuckled when she told me that story and the look on Alex's face!

This Sunday we're going to try to get together - my mom, me, Angelique, Caitlin and the girls for a photo session. 5 generations - what a trip - and not too common! My mom just bursts with pride at being a great-great grandma and when she holds those girls, she just beams!

Continued Improvement!

2008-01-25T12:36:00.000-08:00

Cailie is moving on to the next-step bed -- one where she is not monitored as closely as she has proven she can regulate her own temperature. Good girl!

Cadence is still improving from her bout with the bacterial meningitis - good girl, two!

Docs say that Cailie may be discharged in the next week or two. There will certainly be challenges because Caitlin cannot keep Cailie in the room at Seton House, so they will have to go home with Angelique. We'll just have to work it out to have someone to watch Cailie while Caitlin goes to the hospital to be with Cadence as much as possible. With all of us working, it won't be easy, but I'm hoping we'll find a way to make it all work so Cadence still gets a bunch of time with mom.

Angie and I are going to pick up one of the cribs this weekend. It's been wonderful how generous people have been with donations. We still need one crib, but are working on getting another to as closely match the one we already have - a cherrywood 4-in-1 deal that will convert to youth bed as they grow.

I'm sure there will be lots of conflicting info to come, but one we're dealing with now is the matter of the twins sleeping together. People at the hospital don't recommend it - says there is possibility of smothering each other, or passing germs if one is sick, etc. Another mom of twins I've been communicating with says exactly the opposite. Her twins were born about the same amount prematurely, were about the same weight and are now thriving at 11 months old.

She says, "Our girls slept together until about 2 months ago when they were too big to fit in one crib. They comforted each other if they woke during the night and actually slept a lot better together. Many mornings we would wake up to check on them and they were holding hands. I think it creates a great bond. Also let her know that it is amazing watching these little girls grow up. A mother has unconditional love for a child but you can truly see unconditional love between twins. My girls truly love each other with all their heart. More so than sibling love only, they share a special connection. They hold hands, kiss each other, find each other if one is crying, talk in their own little language and everything. It is awesome."

Isn't that wonderful? Angelique and I tend to side with them sleeping together, but hate to contradict what their doctors say, too. Any comments from other experienced moms of twins out there?

Fears and Gratitude

2008-01-21T13:31:00.000-08:00

I'm happy to report that Cadence is doing much better - the jaundiced look is gone and she's all pretty and pink! It was bacterial meningitis, but it was caught early and she is responding well to the antibiotics. Recently, Caitlin got to bathe Cailie for the first time and bottle feed her using her stored breast milk. Great firsts!

As for me, I guess I've been more worried and under more pressure than I've admitted. On the surface, I've been able to be strong and positive about the twins and all of their past trials and those to come. I've been in awe of how fragile and yet how resilient life itself can be. I've been so proud of my daughter and granddaughter as they work their way through this drastic life change. I’ve seen the tears in all our eyes just gazing down at those precious little beings. My daughter said it best with, "I've never fallen in love with anything so fast besides Caitlin."

Family and friends from all over and readers of my websites that I've never met are calling and emailing with expressions of the joys and concerns we all have. It's touching to know we have prayers and good wishes being sent out all over the country.

But sometimes I think the effort of thinking positive - especially when all the "what ifs" and "if onlys" rear their ugly heads - can be exhausting. The other night, after I got home from the hospital, the door to my laundry inset in the RV came apart. I guess the vibration of the washing machine with the door left open loosened the frame that held the dozens of little slats. Some were still in place, but some were dangling from one end or the other. When I would get one slat in place, none of the other ones were cooperating. I asked myself why this had to happen now of all times - I didn't have the time, energy or money to deal with another problem, no matter how trivial! I’m embarrassed to admit I sat on the floor and started bawling. And the thought just popped into my head, "How is this a perfect mirror of my life right now?" Sometimes I do feel that all the slats of my life that I thought were secure are now coming apart and I feel like I have no clue how to get them all back in line. The motorhome is getting older and needs expensive maintenance and repairs - another mirror to my own body and health, which needs the same.

Somehow I'm amazed at how flimsy the construction is on these expensive motor homes - and other times I'm amazed at how far this rolling contraption has taken me and I'm grateful for all the things I've gotten to see because of it. I guess that’s yet another analogy for my own life and the fears and gratitude I experience on a daily basis. Now if I could just admit more of the gratitude and less of the fears, I’m sure I’d be in much better shape all the way around!

Twins Update

2008-01-17T17:47:00.000-08:00

Caitlin is quite the mom already - she is determined to breast feed them and hospital agrees that is best for them. But since their "suck-suck-swallow" instincts have not kicked in yet and they can't actually nurse at the breast, Caitlin has to pump the milk so she doesn't dry up. She has to bring the bags of milk to the hospital several times a day for storage. The milk is refrigerated and used to feed via the tubes. To say the least, this is an uncomfortable process for her, but to her credit, she is handling it all like a trooper. Only complication there is that in order for her not to develop an infection herself from all milk not being expelled, a hospital grade pumping machine has to be rented at $75 a month - to buy it would be about $1,400!

A couple of days ago we were told Cadence had developed a digestive tract infection due to not being able to digest the breast milk properly. Apparently her little GI tract is not developed enough, so now they're only able to feed her nutrients through a tube down her tiny throat. She was also jaundiced and was put on antiobiotics. The nurse told us not to panic - "welcome to the world of NICU" - that these kind of complications were normal for preemies.

There was some concern that Cailie would develop the same problem, so they also removed her from breast milk, but so far no infection in her and at this point she's doing very well, the ventilator has been removed and she is not on antiobiotics. When I saw them yesterday, she even opened her eyes and seemed to look right at me. She's quite the little cut-up already and we have pics and video of her stretching, sticking out her tongue and gives these little smiles that melt our hearts.

But today when Angelique met Caitlin outside the NICU, Caitlin instructed her mom not to freak out but that Cadence was being given a blood transfusion. Her counts were low and they said they had a "strong suspicion" of meningitis so performed a spinal tap. Hopefully the results will be in tomorrow, but in any case, they said Cailie will come home before Cadence can since she requires at least 8 weeks of antiobiotics.

Of course this was unwelcome news to our entire family, but we stand strong in our faith and belief that these little girls will both pull through this. Like my friend, Pat, said: "Life is a gift from God and he doesn't take it back lightly."

Early Birds!

2008-01-14T08:49:00.000-08:00

The twins weren’t due to be born until March 8, but apparently they got tired of hanging out in the womb, so decided to join the world on January 8. We’ve all been in a flurry of activity and a whirlwind of emotions since then. I’ve started a couple of pages on my website with pics, but will use this blog for updates in between times of posting to the website.

What an exciting night and the culmination of months of conflicting emotions and ideas on everyone’s part. But whatever the consequences, Caitlin fought for these two beings to be born.

At different times, different factors on both sides of the families thought she should either have an abortion or give them up for adoption - no one thought at first it was a good idea for her to keep and try to raise two children.

As for choosing abortion, she said all along she just could not live with “killing her babies” so that took care of that subject.

As for choosing adoption, there were times she wondered about her ability to give the babies the kind of life she wanted them to have. She didn’t even know how to drive, had never held a job and hadn’t finished high school. She knew she had to get an education if she was ever going to be able to provide for them in the future. Could she get her diploma while raising twins? Of course she couldn’t do that on her own by herself.

I’ve never been more proud of my own daughter in the way she took care of Caitlin during this time. To Angelique’s credit, she stood firm in her resolve not to force a decision on Caitlin. She voiced her opinions rationally (ok, sometimes even irrationally) but she would stand by her daughter no matter what that decision, but the decision was to be Caitlin’s.

Even if it meant Angelique moving to Georgetown, a 30+ mile commute to work and all the accompanying traffic nightmares and the ridiculous price of gas money. But the special needs school there would make it possible for Caitlin to continue school while her babies were cared for in the same building at no cost. The last thing Angelique wants is to live in Georgetown, but she is willing to make that sacrifice since no similar program exists in Austin.

Even when she had to take off so much time from work to get Caitlin to doctor appointments, hold her hand through her fears - even when her plans for her own life for the next few years were being put on hold, not to mention the financial burden - she was determined to be a support for her daughter and to see her through it as best she could. She did sincerely thank President Bill for the FMLA that assured her being able to keep her job during all the times she had to take off work. But she works weekends and long hours to make up for it and to have full paychecks whenever possible. I guess it’s because she’s my baby that I sometimes worry more about her than I do about Caitlin and the girls.

There were early doubts about how much the father would be involved as he went through his own fears about becoming a father at the age of 17 when his education was important to him and his family, as well. We were not really sure at all times if he or his family would want anything to do with them, much less take on any financial responsibility for them.

When I asked Caitlin what was the one thing she was looking forward to the most about having the babies, she said “Just them being here - being able to see and hold them at last.” When I asked what was the one thing she feared the most, she said “Alex not being there.” Thank God that despite his early fears, he was right there with her and has really stepped up to the plate and wants to be a good daddy to those little girls. His entire family has fallen in love with them as well and it’s such a comfort and joy to us all to know the babies will have as much love and support in their lives as they deserve.

And despite my own initial fears and conflicting emotions, I feel blessed to have been able to see Caitlin during her pregnancy and to be at the hospital when they were born. Watching her at the doctor visits during the sonograms - it was obvious even back then that she was totally in love with them. The look of awe on her face looking at those fuzzy pictures, the way she breathed “awww” in a hushed tone when she could make out their little fuzzy faces, kicking legs and tiny thumb sucking - could choke me up more than anything else. While she was in early labor, the babies were kicking up a storm and it hurt her when they kicked right in the place where they had the monitors. At one point, I went over and put my mouth right next to her stomach and talked to the babies, telling them to chill out and hold on. To our amazement, they stopped kicking and their heart rates calmed down. A great introduction to their great grandma!

I’m happy that Caitlin lets her grandma “baby” her without all the objections when her mom does so, and I feel perfectly justified in my grandma role in spoiling her as much as I can while still trying to instill some important life lessons at the same time. We’ve always been close and able to communicate quite well, even though I’ve been on the road so much during her older years. Despite time and distance apart, it always feels like we can just pick right back up where we left off and talk openly and honestly with each other.

So despite any bumps in the road to come, we’re committed to travel them together. As I once read, “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, but only saps today of its strength." I pray for the necessary strength and welcome the upcoming joys of watching these twin souls come into their own strengths. And it’s always possible to choose to look on the bright side. As another mother of twins advised, “It is an amazing experience that I wouldn't trade for the world. Watching twins grow is watching unconditional love between siblings grow. It is truly incredible. Your family has been blessed with twins and you all will enjoy them. With her being so young it will help because she will be able to chase them easier!

Another thing I read recently really hit a place in my heart, too: “If I could tell you anything about succeeding in life, it would be to stop trying to fight your own limitations, stop trying to "fix" your weaknesses, and start working in your strength areas. If you spend your life strengthening your weaknesses, all you end up with is a bunch of weak strengths. If you spend your life strengthening your strengths, you are strong. You are mighty.”

So our mighty families will be traveling this road together…more updates to come.

Back Home in Austin

2007-12-30T16:25:00.000-08:00

Main reason I'm here so long this time is that -- (wow, I'm getting ready to put it in writing for the first time) -- I'm going to be a great grandmother soon! I've only recently been able to say that with a straight face, even though it's as true as can be. It's more recent still that I've been able to say without cringing that it's my 16 year old granddaughter that's pregnant. And that's not even the "best" part - she's pregnant at 16 with TWINS - (double exclamation point for sure needed here)!! It's enough to say for now that our entire family (and the boy/father's family as well) have been through an emotional process to get to this point of acceptance. Not to mention the process my granddaughter went through when she found out. To her credit, she considered all the options and alternatives, and says the only thing she can live with is to have her babies and care for them as best she can. Even though we all know she has no real clue yet about what all is involved in mothering one child, much less two at the same time, we have decided we couldn't make that decision for her if we tried, and at this point it is in everyone's best interest to just accept it and be as supportive as we possibly can be.

You got two websites - why blog?

2007-12-30T13:23:00.000-08:00

I created Inspiration's Journey (Malia's RV.com) simply as a way to let family and friends know where I was when I started fulltime RVing in 2001. It was easier and I could post more pictures than sending individual emails out. It never crossed my mind that people I didn't know would come across the site and find it interesting. But it's really cool to me that readers have commented that it does live up to its name and that they have found it inspiring.

If I could convey just one thing through that site, it would be this: it is possible to pursue your dreams and make them come true - even if you don't have a clue how, even if you're petrified with fear, even if everyone else thinks you're crazy - you can walk right through all of that and come out the other side doing what you want to do. Is it always easy? Of course not, but it all starts with baby steps and ends with you not sitting in an old folk's home rocking chair full of regret - not for things you did in your life, but for all that you wanted to do but didn't.

After a couple of years of RVing, I started Malia's Miles as a way of sharing info with other RVers. It was frustrating to me how long it could take to research things we roving souls like to know when we're planning a stop. So I started writing about the campgrounds I stayed at and fun activities I did with reviews and lots of pictures.

But I decided to get on the blog bandwagon because it seems it would be easier to make short regular posts here - and I like the fact that people can make comments and contribute - and it's free - so why not?

And I plan on writing about more personal stuff here instead of mainly RV related material. There's lots of stuff going on in my life these days that have nothing to do with RVing. Mostly family drama and there's certainly enough of that to keep me occupied for the six months I plan to be here.

More on that later...