Fears and Gratitude

I'm happy to report that Cadence is doing much better - the jaundiced look is gone and she's all pretty and pink! It was bacterial meningitis, but it was caught early and she is responding well to the antibiotics. Recently, Caitlin got to bathe Cailie for the first time and bottle feed her using her stored breast milk. Great firsts!

As for me, I guess I've been more worried and under more pressure than I've admitted. On the surface, I've been able to be strong and positive about the twins and all of their past trials and those to come. I've been in awe of how fragile and yet how resilient life itself can be. I've been so proud of my daughter and granddaughter as they work their way through this drastic life change. I’ve seen the tears in all our eyes just gazing down at those precious little beings. My daughter said it best with, "I've never fallen in love with anything so fast besides Caitlin."

Family and friends from all over and readers of my websites that I've never met are calling and emailing with expressions of the joys and concerns we all have. It's touching to know we have prayers and good wishes being sent out all over the country.

But sometimes I think the effort of thinking positive - especially when all the "what ifs" and "if onlys" rear their ugly heads - can be exhausting. The other night, after I got home from the hospital, the door to my laundry inset in the RV came apart. I guess the vibration of the washing machine with the door left open loosened the frame that held the dozens of little slats. Some were still in place, but some were dangling from one end or the other. When I would get one slat in place, none of the other ones were cooperating. I asked myself why this had to happen now of all times - I didn't have the time, energy or money to deal with another problem, no matter how trivial! I’m embarrassed to admit I sat on the floor and started bawling. And the thought just popped into my head, "How is this a perfect mirror of my life right now?" Sometimes I do feel that all the slats of my life that I thought were secure are now coming apart and I feel like I have no clue how to get them all back in line. The motorhome is getting older and needs expensive maintenance and repairs - another mirror to my own body and health, which needs the same.

Somehow I'm amazed at how flimsy the construction is on these expensive motor homes - and other times I'm amazed at how far this rolling contraption has taken me and I'm grateful for all the things I've gotten to see because of it. I guess that’s yet another analogy for my own life and the fears and gratitude I experience on a daily basis. Now if I could just admit more of the gratitude and less of the fears, I’m sure I’d be in much better shape all the way around!