Posts
For the last month and a half, I don’t know if I was more worried about finding out I had cancer or the nasty procedure that would snip out a piece of my cervix to find out. I had the colposcopy yesterday afternoon. I have to admit it wasn’t nearly as painful or traumatic as I had feared. I’d expected to have to wait another week for results, but afterwards, she said she’d done this for 20 years and saw nothing in me that looked like cancer. She’ll call with the results, of course, but for now just plan on having pap tests every six months for the next two years to be safe.
My mind has been in such a jumbled state for so long that the relief has come in waves. Even though we all kept telling each other we knew it was going to be fine, my daughters and mom all said they were really more worried than they had let on. Me, too. I never would let myself dwell too long on the worst case scenario, but I have now realized there was a lot of my life I was putting on hold. It felt like ever since I got to Austin, not only my body, but my home was falling apart as well.
Is there some kind of weird connection?
Body: Lack of sleep was becoming more of an issue. My energy level was extremely low and enthusiasm for doing anything or going anywhere was pretty much zilch.
MH: Engine battery keeps dying. I’ve had to replace it way too often lately, but since I’m sitting still for a while, I put that on hold.
Body: My teeth needed attention and the dentist said I needed thousands of dollars of work done. Even though I know one of my crowns is cracking, since nothing hurt at the moment, I put that on hold.
MH: The slide had been out of adjustment for over a year, but after trying two places, I was told by an authorized Winnebago repair service that it would have to be completely removed to fix it - a time consuming and expensive proposition. Since it still worked and I didn’t have the money to spend, I put that on hold.
Body: Even if I don’t have cervical cancer (thank God), there are other physical issues I need to deal with as my body ages, including my diet, exercise and all that other non-fun stuff.
MH: Combo microwave and oven quit working. Tried all the breakers, etc. - everything else works, but it is completely lifeless. I miss it, but have been able to make do with the stove and the toaster oven. Another put off.
Besides the stuff already really broke, the general maintenance and repairs needed after 7 years of fulltiming in a rolling home was getting to be significant.
I’d already been through the thought process of whether I should just quit traveling and settle down, but it didn’t take long at all for my mind and heart to veto that idea. I may be a bit despondent and scared at the moment, but I am sure that I want to continue traveling whenever I can.
I’ve really loved my first motorhome and Inspiration has served me well. But I’ve been weighing the pros and cons of either keeping and repairing it, or possibly trading it in for a newer model.
With the RV market the way it is, I’m sure I’d have a better shot at trading it in for something newer at a dealer than I would trying to sell it myself. I still have three more years to pay on it, but I got such a great deal when I bought it, I don’t believe I’d have a problem at least getting what I owe on it.
I also like the idea of getting something a tad bit little smaller, maybe a 34 footer. There have been places I couldn’t fit into because of that 2-1/2 foot difference.
So I’ve been thinking that if I could find something for about the same price I paid for Inspiration, I’d still have about the same monthly payment as now. Only problem I’ve seen so far is that motorhomes I’ve seen online from dealers in that price range don’t have all the bells and whistles that this one has. I’ve gotten used to things like a heat pump so I don’t have to use my propane as much and a washer/dryer so I don’t have to go to the laundromat, just to name a couple.
But I’m going to start the process of looking around because as I’ve always told other people who write me about how I started fulltiming - start taking baby steps and somehow things start lining up. It’s good to have a goal again and I’m tired of being on hold!
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Wake Up Calls
I’ve been so resistant to writing lately - things are so jumbled up in my mind, it’s hard to focus on one thing long enough to put anything down. Actually, whether for better or for worse, I’ve been resistant to a lot of things lately. And I have no idea about what to do about it - if indeed anything can or should be “done” at all.
When I first got back to Austin, I thought I would be here until May or June and would then hit the road again. I wanted to be here for the birth of my first great-grand-twins. I wanted to be here to help my daughter and granddaughter. I wanted to spend more time with my mom. I wanted some good Mexican food. I wanted to rest a while and get some kinks worked out of both my body and my motorhome.
Having experienced both the intense fears and joys of the twins’ birth in January, once they were more or less settled into their lives, I was ready to start concentrating more on my health and take care of some things that had started bothering me, both physical and mental.
For the last couple of years, my sleep patterns have gone from one extreme to the other. While I used to be able to sleep for 12 hours at a time when I had the chance, now getting more than 2 hours at a time became the challenge. I tried various “PM” medicines and they worked okay at first, but finally quit working at all. I can generally get to sleep pretty quickly, but within a couple of hours, I’m awake and can’t get back to sleep for at least an hour, when the same pattern begins again. Needless to say, I don’t get up in the morning feeling rested or refreshed, no matter how many delta sleep or meditation CDs I listen to during the night.
Of course, I felt like my lack of energy, as well as feelings of depression and anger, were related, and wishing, praying and hoping it away was not working. After a couple of friends mentioned that my symptoms sounded hormonal, I got to thinking. It occurred to me that when I very first started having symptoms of depression was when I started going through menopause around 1999-2000. While I used hormone replacement therapy early on for hot flashes, I got off them after a couple of years thinking that was the best thing to do. But now I wondered if hormones weren’t the magic answer for me.
Having read of some of the dangers of synthetic hormones, I wanted to try the more natural, bio-identical hormones. A friend recommended a nurse practitioner who specialized in such issues, so I made an appointment, grumbling all the while about how expensive it is not to have health insurance. Never mind that was a conscious decision I made when I started fulltime RVing. Hell, it’s expensive both to have and not have health insurance. And it’s easier to go without insurance when you’ve always been incredibly healthy than it is to forego a dream that might slip away if you wait for “perfect timing.”
She started me on a hormone formula that had no effect after a month. When I went back for the blood rest results, she said that my levels of progesterone, testosterone, and DHEA levels were okay, but estrogen was virtually non-existent in my body. I couldn’t help but think that God managed to get these delicate levels perfectly balanced until we’re past that natural stage of life. Then when man starts fooling around trying to replicate them, it’s hit or miss until the “magic” formula is found, if ever.
Maybe I shouldn’t even be fooling with this. But she gave me another compound to try and would call in a few days to see how that was going. She said I should have a pap smear, but I wanted to hold off on that. I used to have one faithfully every year with never a hint of a problem. Nothing nasty related like cervical cancer ran in my direct family. But she kindly insisted that I have the pap smear and, because part of the resistance was because of cost, she included it in the price of that visit.
When she called a few days later, I complained that the new formulation of hormones was not helping me sleep or feel better. I don’t even remember what she said about that, because her next words were about my pap smear showing some cellular abnormality. Okay, so what exactly does that mean? They won’t know anything definite until they do a procedure called a “colposcopy” where she looks more closely at my cervix and takes a tissue sample to test for malignancy.
Now that was a wake-up call, for sure! At this point, I’ve done some research, and I’m trying not to freak out until I know for sure what I’m dealing with. The colposcopy will be done on June 23rd. And for now I’m resistant to thinking about the future, whether good or bad.
I don’t know when I’ll be traveling again at this point. I’m certainly not willing to say or even think that I may never take off again. All I know for sure is that I’m so grateful that I started when I did. I’ve had seven tremendous years of being blessed to see things I never thought I’d ever get to see in my life. I hear from so many people lately who say they’ve planned for years to fulfill their dream of fulltime RVing, but now their house won’t sell, or gas has gone up too much, or their own health problems keep them from it now.
If I were to die tomorrow, I would have no regrets about following my travel dreams. When I took off in 2001, my first gas fill-up was $1.37/gallon. People were telling me I was crazy to start traveling with gas prices so high. When I took off for Alaska in 2003, gas was $1.74/gallon. I was advised to wait until gas prices went down, because surely they would. I’d love to see a gas station sign with $2.49 now, the highest price I paid the entire time I was exploring the Canadian Rockies and the wonders of Alaska.
So I still affirm that dreams can come true, despite the wisest counsel or statistics of any well-meaning nay-sayer. My advice: don’t wait - you never know when your wake-up call will come.
When I first got back to Austin, I thought I would be here until May or June and would then hit the road again. I wanted to be here for the birth of my first great-grand-twins. I wanted to be here to help my daughter and granddaughter. I wanted to spend more time with my mom. I wanted some good Mexican food. I wanted to rest a while and get some kinks worked out of both my body and my motorhome.
Having experienced both the intense fears and joys of the twins’ birth in January, once they were more or less settled into their lives, I was ready to start concentrating more on my health and take care of some things that had started bothering me, both physical and mental.
For the last couple of years, my sleep patterns have gone from one extreme to the other. While I used to be able to sleep for 12 hours at a time when I had the chance, now getting more than 2 hours at a time became the challenge. I tried various “PM” medicines and they worked okay at first, but finally quit working at all. I can generally get to sleep pretty quickly, but within a couple of hours, I’m awake and can’t get back to sleep for at least an hour, when the same pattern begins again. Needless to say, I don’t get up in the morning feeling rested or refreshed, no matter how many delta sleep or meditation CDs I listen to during the night.
Of course, I felt like my lack of energy, as well as feelings of depression and anger, were related, and wishing, praying and hoping it away was not working. After a couple of friends mentioned that my symptoms sounded hormonal, I got to thinking. It occurred to me that when I very first started having symptoms of depression was when I started going through menopause around 1999-2000. While I used hormone replacement therapy early on for hot flashes, I got off them after a couple of years thinking that was the best thing to do. But now I wondered if hormones weren’t the magic answer for me.
Having read of some of the dangers of synthetic hormones, I wanted to try the more natural, bio-identical hormones. A friend recommended a nurse practitioner who specialized in such issues, so I made an appointment, grumbling all the while about how expensive it is not to have health insurance. Never mind that was a conscious decision I made when I started fulltime RVing. Hell, it’s expensive both to have and not have health insurance. And it’s easier to go without insurance when you’ve always been incredibly healthy than it is to forego a dream that might slip away if you wait for “perfect timing.”
She started me on a hormone formula that had no effect after a month. When I went back for the blood rest results, she said that my levels of progesterone, testosterone, and DHEA levels were okay, but estrogen was virtually non-existent in my body. I couldn’t help but think that God managed to get these delicate levels perfectly balanced until we’re past that natural stage of life. Then when man starts fooling around trying to replicate them, it’s hit or miss until the “magic” formula is found, if ever.
Maybe I shouldn’t even be fooling with this. But she gave me another compound to try and would call in a few days to see how that was going. She said I should have a pap smear, but I wanted to hold off on that. I used to have one faithfully every year with never a hint of a problem. Nothing nasty related like cervical cancer ran in my direct family. But she kindly insisted that I have the pap smear and, because part of the resistance was because of cost, she included it in the price of that visit.
When she called a few days later, I complained that the new formulation of hormones was not helping me sleep or feel better. I don’t even remember what she said about that, because her next words were about my pap smear showing some cellular abnormality. Okay, so what exactly does that mean? They won’t know anything definite until they do a procedure called a “colposcopy” where she looks more closely at my cervix and takes a tissue sample to test for malignancy.
Now that was a wake-up call, for sure! At this point, I’ve done some research, and I’m trying not to freak out until I know for sure what I’m dealing with. The colposcopy will be done on June 23rd. And for now I’m resistant to thinking about the future, whether good or bad.
I don’t know when I’ll be traveling again at this point. I’m certainly not willing to say or even think that I may never take off again. All I know for sure is that I’m so grateful that I started when I did. I’ve had seven tremendous years of being blessed to see things I never thought I’d ever get to see in my life. I hear from so many people lately who say they’ve planned for years to fulfill their dream of fulltime RVing, but now their house won’t sell, or gas has gone up too much, or their own health problems keep them from it now.
If I were to die tomorrow, I would have no regrets about following my travel dreams. When I took off in 2001, my first gas fill-up was $1.37/gallon. People were telling me I was crazy to start traveling with gas prices so high. When I took off for Alaska in 2003, gas was $1.74/gallon. I was advised to wait until gas prices went down, because surely they would. I’d love to see a gas station sign with $2.49 now, the highest price I paid the entire time I was exploring the Canadian Rockies and the wonders of Alaska.
So I still affirm that dreams can come true, despite the wisest counsel or statistics of any well-meaning nay-sayer. My advice: don’t wait - you never know when your wake-up call will come.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Both twins are home!
Cailie came home a couple of weeks before Cadence and we were all so anxious to see if there would be any reaction when they saw each other for the first time. But they were pretty zoned out at their first reunion and both slept right through it.
But Caitlin reports now that when she places them in the bed together for a nap, they end up closer together than she placed them. Seems like it's usually Cadence scootching over somehow just enough to put her hand on Cailie - sorta like looking for reassurance she's really there. I've got some other amazingly cute pictures that I'll be posting on the website soon.
But Caitlin reports now that when she places them in the bed together for a nap, they end up closer together than she placed them. Seems like it's usually Cadence scootching over somehow just enough to put her hand on Cailie - sorta like looking for reassurance she's really there. I've got some other amazingly cute pictures that I'll be posting on the website soon.I spent the day on Tuesday over at Alex's parents' house. That's where Caitlin and the twins are living now and we're all hoping those two can make their relationship work. Anyway, Alex's mom, Christene, and I babysat the twins while Angelique took Caitlin to her doctor appointment. Caitlin absolutely hates to be separated from them for any length of time, but we convinced her it was important for her to take care of herself. Everyone agrees she's doing an incredible job as a mom to her tiny girls. Christene says she is just in awe at how well Caitlin manages to completely care for the girls, mostly insisting on doing everything herself as much as possible. The first time she babysat, as Caitlin was leaving, she told Christene, "Now, when they both start crying at the same time, you're gonna kinda freak out, but don't worry you can do it." Every time I see them, it still just amazes me to think of caring for two babies at once - especially alone! Caitlin is pretty much on her own with them during the day when everyone else is at work or at school. She really does seem to be a natural and obviously loves being a mom. When Alex was joking with his grandparents about their having 11 kids and not understanding how they managed that, they told him he could do it, too, if he wanted to. He said, "No way" but Caitlin said, "Yes, we can." Christene chuckled when she
told me that story and the look on Alex's face!
told me that story and the look on Alex's face! This Sunday we're going to try to get together - my mom, me, Angelique, Caitlin and the girls for a photo session. 5 generations - what a trip - and not too common! My mom just bursts with pride at being a great-great grandma and when she holds those girls, she just beams!
Friday, January 25, 2008
Continued Improvement!
Cailie is moving on to the next-step bed -- one where she is not monitored as closely as she has proven she can regulate her own temperature. Good girl!
Cadence is still improving from her bout with the bacterial meningitis - good girl, two!
Docs say that Cailie may be discharged in the next week or two. There will certainly be challenges because Caitlin cannot keep Cailie in the room at Seton House, so they will have to go home with Angelique. We'll just have to work it out to have someone to watch Cailie while Caitlin goes to the hospital to be with Cadence as much as possible. With all of us working, it won't be easy, but I'm hoping we'll find a way to make it all work so Cadence still gets a bunch of time with mom.
Angie and I are going to pick up one of the cribs this weekend. It's been wonderful how generous people have been with donations. We still need one crib, but are working on getting another to as closely match the one we already have - a cherrywood 4-in-1 deal that will convert to youth bed as they grow.
I'm sure there will be lots of conflicting info to come, but one we're dealing with now is the matter of the twins sleeping together. People at the hospital don't recommend it - says there is possibility of smothering each other, or passing germs if one is sick, etc. Another mom of twins I've been communicating with says exactly the opposite. Her twins were born about the same amount prematurely, were about the same weight and are now thriving at 11 months old.
She says, "Our girls slept together until about 2 months ago when they were too big to fit in one crib. They comforted each other if they woke during the night and actually slept a lot better together. Many mornings we would wake up to check on them and they were holding hands. I think it creates a great bond. Also let her know that it is amazing watching these little girls grow up. A mother has unconditional love for a child but you can truly see unconditional love between twins. My girls truly love each other with all their heart. More so than sibling love only, they share a special connection. They hold hands, kiss each other, find each other if one is crying, talk in their own little language and everything. It is awesome."
Isn't that wonderful? Angelique and I tend to side with them sleeping together, but hate to contradict what their doctors say, too. Any comments from other experienced moms of twins out there?
Cadence is still improving from her bout with the bacterial meningitis - good girl, two!
Docs say that Cailie may be discharged in the next week or two. There will certainly be challenges because Caitlin cannot keep Cailie in the room at Seton House, so they will have to go home with Angelique. We'll just have to work it out to have someone to watch Cailie while Caitlin goes to the hospital to be with Cadence as much as possible. With all of us working, it won't be easy, but I'm hoping we'll find a way to make it all work so Cadence still gets a bunch of time with mom.
Angie and I are going to pick up one of the cribs this weekend. It's been wonderful how generous people have been with donations. We still need one crib, but are working on getting another to as closely match the one we already have - a cherrywood 4-in-1 deal that will convert to youth bed as they grow.
I'm sure there will be lots of conflicting info to come, but one we're dealing with now is the matter of the twins sleeping together. People at the hospital don't recommend it - says there is possibility of smothering each other, or passing germs if one is sick, etc. Another mom of twins I've been communicating with says exactly the opposite. Her twins were born about the same amount prematurely, were about the same weight and are now thriving at 11 months old.
She says, "Our girls slept together until about 2 months ago when they were too big to fit in one crib. They comforted each other if they woke during the night and actually slept a lot better together. Many mornings we would wake up to check on them and they were holding hands. I think it creates a great bond. Also let her know that it is amazing watching these little girls grow up. A mother has unconditional love for a child but you can truly see unconditional love between twins. My girls truly love each other with all their heart. More so than sibling love only, they share a special connection. They hold hands, kiss each other, find each other if one is crying, talk in their own little language and everything. It is awesome."
Isn't that wonderful? Angelique and I tend to side with them sleeping together, but hate to contradict what their doctors say, too. Any comments from other experienced moms of twins out there?
Monday, January 21, 2008
Fears and Gratitude
I'm happy to report that Cadence is doing much better - the jaundiced look is gone and she's all pretty and pink! It was bacterial meningitis, but it was caught early and she is responding well to the antibiotics. Recently, Caitlin got to bathe Cailie for the first time and bottle feed her using her stored breast milk. Great firsts!
As for me, I guess I've been more worried and under more pressure than I've admitted. On the surface, I've been able to be strong and positive about the twins and all of their past trials and those to come. I've been in awe of how fragile and yet how resilient life itself can be. I've been so proud of my daughter and granddaughter as they work their way through this drastic life change. I’ve seen the tears in all our eyes just gazing down at those precious little beings. My daughter said it best with, "I've never fallen in love with anything so fast besides Caitlin."
Family and friends from all over and readers of my websites that I've never met are calling and emailing with expressions of the joys and concerns we all have. It's touching to know we have prayers and good wishes being sent out all over the country.
But sometimes I think the effort of thinking positive - especially when all the "what ifs" and "if onlys" rear their ugly heads - can be exhausting. The other night, after I got home from the hospital, the door to my laundry inset in the RV came apart. I guess the vibration of the washing machine with the door left open loosened the frame that held the dozens of little slats. Some were still in place, but some were dangling from one end or the other. When I would get one slat in place, none of the other ones were cooperating. I asked myself why this had to happen now of all times - I didn't have the time, energy or money to deal with another problem, no matter how trivial! I’m embarrassed to admit I sat on the floor and started bawling. And the thought just popped into my head, "How is this a perfect mirror of my life right now?" Sometimes I do feel that all the slats of my life that I thought were secure are now coming apart and I feel like I have no clue how to get them all back in line. The motorhome is getting older and needs expensive maintenance and repairs - another mirror to my own body and health, which needs the same.
Somehow I'm amazed at how flimsy the construction is on these expensive motor homes - and other times I'm amazed at how far this rolling contraption has taken me and I'm grateful for all the things I've gotten to see because of it. I guess that’s yet another analogy for my own life and the fears and gratitude I experience on a daily basis. Now if I could just admit more of the gratitude and less of the fears, I’m sure I’d be in much better shape all the way around!
As for me, I guess I've been more worried and under more pressure than I've admitted. On the surface, I've been able to be strong and positive about the twins and all of their past trials and those to come. I've been in awe of how fragile and yet how resilient life itself can be. I've been so proud of my daughter and granddaughter as they work their way through this drastic life change. I’ve seen the tears in all our eyes just gazing down at those precious little beings. My daughter said it best with, "I've never fallen in love with anything so fast besides Caitlin."
Family and friends from all over and readers of my websites that I've never met are calling and emailing with expressions of the joys and concerns we all have. It's touching to know we have prayers and good wishes being sent out all over the country.
But sometimes I think the effort of thinking positive - especially when all the "what ifs" and "if onlys" rear their ugly heads - can be exhausting. The other night, after I got home from the hospital, the door to my laundry inset in the RV came apart. I guess the vibration of the washing machine with the door left open loosened the frame that held the dozens of little slats. Some were still in place, but some were dangling from one end or the other. When I would get one slat in place, none of the other ones were cooperating. I asked myself why this had to happen now of all times - I didn't have the time, energy or money to deal with another problem, no matter how trivial! I’m embarrassed to admit I sat on the floor and started bawling. And the thought just popped into my head, "How is this a perfect mirror of my life right now?" Sometimes I do feel that all the slats of my life that I thought were secure are now coming apart and I feel like I have no clue how to get them all back in line. The motorhome is getting older and needs expensive maintenance and repairs - another mirror to my own body and health, which needs the same.
Somehow I'm amazed at how flimsy the construction is on these expensive motor homes - and other times I'm amazed at how far this rolling contraption has taken me and I'm grateful for all the things I've gotten to see because of it. I guess that’s yet another analogy for my own life and the fears and gratitude I experience on a daily basis. Now if I could just admit more of the gratitude and less of the fears, I’m sure I’d be in much better shape all the way around!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Twins Update
Caitlin is quite the mom already - she is determined to breast feed them and hospital agrees that is best for them. But since their "suck-suck-swallow" instincts have not kicked in yet and they can't actually nurse at the breast, Caitlin has to pump the milk so she doesn't dry up. She has to bring the bags of milk to the hospital several times a day for storage. The milk is refrigerated and used to feed via the tubes. To say the least, this is an uncomfortable process for her, but to her credit, she is handling it all like a trooper. Only complication there is that in order for her not to develop an infection herself from all milk not being expelled, a hospital grade pumping machine has to be rented at $75 a month - to buy it would be about $1,400!
A couple of days ago we were told Cadence had developed a digestive tract infection due to not being able to digest the breast milk properly. Apparently her little GI tract is not developed enough, so now they're only able to feed her nutrients through a tube down her tiny throat. She was also jaundiced and was put on antiobiotics. The nurse told us not to panic - "welcome to the world of NICU" - that these kind of complications were normal for preemies.
There was some concern that Cailie would develop the same problem, so they also removed her from breast milk, but so far no infection in her and at this point she's doing very well, the ventilator has been removed and she is not on antiobiotics. When I saw them yesterday, she even opened her eyes and seemed to look right at me. She's quite the little cut-up already and we have pics and video of her stretching, sticking out her tongue and gives these little smiles that melt our hearts.
But today when Angelique met Caitlin outside the NICU, Caitlin instructed her mom not to freak out but that Cadence was being given a blood transfusion. Her counts were low and they said they had a "strong suspicion" of meningitis so performed a spinal tap. Hopefully the results will be in tomorrow, but in any case, they said Cailie will come home before Cadence can since she requires at least 8 weeks of antiobiotics.
Of course this was unwelcome news to our entire family, but we stand strong in our faith and belief that these little girls will both pull through this. Like my friend, Pat, said: "Life is a gift from God and he doesn't take it back lightly."
A couple of days ago we were told Cadence had developed a digestive tract infection due to not being able to digest the breast milk properly. Apparently her little GI tract is not developed enough, so now they're only able to feed her nutrients through a tube down her tiny throat. She was also jaundiced and was put on antiobiotics. The nurse told us not to panic - "welcome to the world of NICU" - that these kind of complications were normal for preemies.
There was some concern that Cailie would develop the same problem, so they also removed her from breast milk, but so far no infection in her and at this point she's doing very well, the ventilator has been removed and she is not on antiobiotics. When I saw them yesterday, she even opened her eyes and seemed to look right at me. She's quite the little cut-up already and we have pics and video of her stretching, sticking out her tongue and gives these little smiles that melt our hearts.
But today when Angelique met Caitlin outside the NICU, Caitlin instructed her mom not to freak out but that Cadence was being given a blood transfusion. Her counts were low and they said they had a "strong suspicion" of meningitis so performed a spinal tap. Hopefully the results will be in tomorrow, but in any case, they said Cailie will come home before Cadence can since she requires at least 8 weeks of antiobiotics.
Of course this was unwelcome news to our entire family, but we stand strong in our faith and belief that these little girls will both pull through this. Like my friend, Pat, said: "Life is a gift from God and he doesn't take it back lightly."
Monday, January 14, 2008
Early Birds!
The twins weren’t due to be born until March 8, but apparently they got tired of hanging out in the womb, so decided to join the world on January 8. We’ve all been in a flurry of activity and a whirlwind of emotions since then. I’ve started a couple of pages on my website with pics, but will use this blog for updates in between times of posting to the website.
What an exciting night and the culmination of months of conflicting emotions and ideas on everyone’s part. But whatever the consequences, Caitlin fought for these two beings to be born.
At different times, different factors on both sides of the families thought she should either have an abortion or give them up for adoption - no one thought at first it was a good idea for her to keep and try to raise two children.
As for choosing abortion, she said all along she just could not live with “killing her babies” so that took care of that subject.
As for choosing adoption, there were times she wondered about her ability to give the babies the kind of life she wanted them to have. She didn’t even know how to drive, had never held a job and hadn’t finished high school. She knew she had to get an education if she was ever going to be able to provide for them in the future. Could she get her diploma while raising twins? Of course she couldn’t do that on her own by herself.
I’ve never been more proud of my own daughter in the way she took care of Caitlin during this time. To Angelique’s credit, she stood firm in her resolve not to force a decision on Caitlin. She voiced her opinions rationally (ok, sometimes even irrationally) but she would stand by her daughter no matter what that decision, but the decision was to be Caitlin’s.
Even if it meant Angelique moving to Georgetown, a 30+ mile commute to work and all the accompanying traffic nightmares and the ridiculous price of gas money. But the special needs school there would make it possible for Caitlin to continue school while her babies were cared for in the same building at no cost. The last thing Angelique wants is to live in Georgetown, but she is willing to make that sacrifice since no similar program exists in Austin.
Even when she had to take off so much time from work to get Caitlin to doctor appointments, hold her hand through her fears - even when her plans for her own life for the next few years were being put on hold, not to mention the financial burden - she was determined to be a support for her daughter and to see her through it as best she could. She did sincerely thank President Bill for the FMLA that assured her being able to keep her job during all the times she had to take off work. But she works weekends and long hours to make up for it and to have full paychecks whenever possible. I guess it’s because she’s my baby that I sometimes worry more about her than I do about Caitlin and the girls.
There were early doubts about how much the father would be involved as he went through his own fears about becoming a father at the age of 17 when his education was important to him and his family, as well. We were not really sure at all times if he or his family would want anything to do with them, much less take on any financial responsibility for them.
When I asked Caitlin what was the one thing she was looking forward to the most about having the babies, she said “Just them being here - being able to see and hold them at last.” When I asked what was the one thing she feared the most, she said “Alex not being there.” Thank God that despite his early fears, he was right there with her and has really stepped up to the plate and wants to be a good daddy to those little girls. His entire family has fallen in love with them as well and it’s such a comfort and joy to us all to know the babies will have as much love and support in their lives as they deserve.
And despite my own initial fears and conflicting emotions, I feel blessed to have been able to see Caitlin during her pregnancy and to be at the hospital when they were born. Watching her at the doctor visits during the sonograms - it was obvious even back then that she was totally in love with them. The look of awe on her face looking at those fuzzy pictures, the way she breathed “awww” in a hushed tone when she could make out their little fuzzy faces, kicking legs and tiny thumb sucking - could choke me up more than anything else. While she was in early labor, the babies were kicking up a storm and it hurt her when they kicked right in the place where they had the monitors. At one point, I went over and put my mouth right next to her stomach and talked to the babies, telling them to chill out and hold on. To our amazement, they stopped kicking and their heart rates calmed down. A great introduction to their great grandma!
I’m happy that Caitlin lets her grandma “baby” her without all the objections when her mom does so, and I feel perfectly justified in my grandma role in spoiling her as much as I can while still trying to instill some important life lessons at the same time. We’ve always been close and able to communicate quite well, even though I’ve been on the road so much during her older years. Despite time and distance apart, it always feels like we can just pick right back up where we left off and talk openly and honestly with each other.
So despite any bumps in the road to come, we’re committed to travel them together. As I once read, “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, but only saps today of its strength." I pray for the necessary strength and welcome the upcoming joys of watching these twin souls come into their own strengths. And it’s always possible to choose to look on the bright side. As another mother of twins advised, “It is an amazing experience that I wouldn't trade for the world. Watching twins grow is watching unconditional love between siblings grow. It is truly incredible. Your family has been blessed with twins and you all will enjoy them. With her being so young it will help because she will be able to chase them easier!
Another thing I read recently really hit a place in my heart, too: “If I could tell you anything about succeeding in life, it would be to stop trying to fight your own limitations, stop trying to "fix" your weaknesses, and start working in your strength areas. If you spend your life strengthening your weaknesses, all you end up with is a bunch of weak strengths. If you spend your life strengthening your strengths, you are strong. You are mighty.”
So our mighty families will be traveling this road together…more updates to come.
What an exciting night and the culmination of months of conflicting emotions and ideas on everyone’s part. But whatever the consequences, Caitlin fought for these two beings to be born.
At different times, different factors on both sides of the families thought she should either have an abortion or give them up for adoption - no one thought at first it was a good idea for her to keep and try to raise two children.
As for choosing abortion, she said all along she just could not live with “killing her babies” so that took care of that subject.
As for choosing adoption, there were times she wondered about her ability to give the babies the kind of life she wanted them to have. She didn’t even know how to drive, had never held a job and hadn’t finished high school. She knew she had to get an education if she was ever going to be able to provide for them in the future. Could she get her diploma while raising twins? Of course she couldn’t do that on her own by herself.
I’ve never been more proud of my own daughter in the way she took care of Caitlin during this time. To Angelique’s credit, she stood firm in her resolve not to force a decision on Caitlin. She voiced her opinions rationally (ok, sometimes even irrationally) but she would stand by her daughter no matter what that decision, but the decision was to be Caitlin’s.
Even if it meant Angelique moving to Georgetown, a 30+ mile commute to work and all the accompanying traffic nightmares and the ridiculous price of gas money. But the special needs school there would make it possible for Caitlin to continue school while her babies were cared for in the same building at no cost. The last thing Angelique wants is to live in Georgetown, but she is willing to make that sacrifice since no similar program exists in Austin.
Even when she had to take off so much time from work to get Caitlin to doctor appointments, hold her hand through her fears - even when her plans for her own life for the next few years were being put on hold, not to mention the financial burden - she was determined to be a support for her daughter and to see her through it as best she could. She did sincerely thank President Bill for the FMLA that assured her being able to keep her job during all the times she had to take off work. But she works weekends and long hours to make up for it and to have full paychecks whenever possible. I guess it’s because she’s my baby that I sometimes worry more about her than I do about Caitlin and the girls.
There were early doubts about how much the father would be involved as he went through his own fears about becoming a father at the age of 17 when his education was important to him and his family, as well. We were not really sure at all times if he or his family would want anything to do with them, much less take on any financial responsibility for them.
When I asked Caitlin what was the one thing she was looking forward to the most about having the babies, she said “Just them being here - being able to see and hold them at last.” When I asked what was the one thing she feared the most, she said “Alex not being there.” Thank God that despite his early fears, he was right there with her and has really stepped up to the plate and wants to be a good daddy to those little girls. His entire family has fallen in love with them as well and it’s such a comfort and joy to us all to know the babies will have as much love and support in their lives as they deserve.
And despite my own initial fears and conflicting emotions, I feel blessed to have been able to see Caitlin during her pregnancy and to be at the hospital when they were born. Watching her at the doctor visits during the sonograms - it was obvious even back then that she was totally in love with them. The look of awe on her face looking at those fuzzy pictures, the way she breathed “awww” in a hushed tone when she could make out their little fuzzy faces, kicking legs and tiny thumb sucking - could choke me up more than anything else. While she was in early labor, the babies were kicking up a storm and it hurt her when they kicked right in the place where they had the monitors. At one point, I went over and put my mouth right next to her stomach and talked to the babies, telling them to chill out and hold on. To our amazement, they stopped kicking and their heart rates calmed down. A great introduction to their great grandma!
I’m happy that Caitlin lets her grandma “baby” her without all the objections when her mom does so, and I feel perfectly justified in my grandma role in spoiling her as much as I can while still trying to instill some important life lessons at the same time. We’ve always been close and able to communicate quite well, even though I’ve been on the road so much during her older years. Despite time and distance apart, it always feels like we can just pick right back up where we left off and talk openly and honestly with each other.
So despite any bumps in the road to come, we’re committed to travel them together. As I once read, “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, but only saps today of its strength." I pray for the necessary strength and welcome the upcoming joys of watching these twin souls come into their own strengths. And it’s always possible to choose to look on the bright side. As another mother of twins advised, “It is an amazing experience that I wouldn't trade for the world. Watching twins grow is watching unconditional love between siblings grow. It is truly incredible. Your family has been blessed with twins and you all will enjoy them. With her being so young it will help because she will be able to chase them easier!
Another thing I read recently really hit a place in my heart, too: “If I could tell you anything about succeeding in life, it would be to stop trying to fight your own limitations, stop trying to "fix" your weaknesses, and start working in your strength areas. If you spend your life strengthening your weaknesses, all you end up with is a bunch of weak strengths. If you spend your life strengthening your strengths, you are strong. You are mighty.”
So our mighty families will be traveling this road together…more updates to come.
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