Blurry 2008

2008 was a blur of activity with family, health and RV repair issues, but a vast wasteland as far as my having a positive attitude and being really happy with my life.

In almost the entire year I have been back in Austin, no matter how much or how little was going on, I just have not been able to make myself write much - not in my journal, not on the websites - but worst of all, I haven’t even been answering emails. And I’ve always felt when people took the time to read what I’ve written - then write to tell me they’ve been impacted by what I did or said - the least I could do is thank and acknowledge them. But I haven’t even managed that lately.

I’m still surprised that people who just discovered what I wrote years ago write and tell me how inspiring I am. Most times these days I don’t even know who that woman is anymore. Every time I sit down and try to answer someone, I feel like a hypocrite because I don’t feel in the least bit like the woman they expect to hear back from, so I haven’t been able to make myself answer them.

Other than being with my family, I’ve become more reclusive and less communicative. I haven’t felt inspired or inspirational. I certainly don’t feel brave or adventurous - qualities people seem to admire me for. I’ve had a lot more insecurities and downright fears about nearly everything - either continuing to fulltime RV or settling down again - neither thought really excites me anymore.

When I arrived back in Austin last November, I thought I would be here for a few months to see my granddaughter give birth and help out as much as I could with the family and financial issues involved there. But besides all that, it just felt right at the time to sit still for a while. As much as I loved it, I was really physically tired coming off of the Blue Ridge Parkway tour.

I also intended to take care of some routine health and dental exams. I guess that’s when the downhill slide and the insomnia started. A routine pap smear turned into a cervical cancer scare. While that turned out not to be the case, it still kinda took the wind out of my sails, particularly after finding out how much dental work was needed and how ridiculously much they charge for the privilege of torturing your mouth.

But I’ve made progress in a lot of areas and I’m starting to get excited about making plans for the summer in Michigan. More on that later…

So I’ve made the commitment to start here to write more. Maybe by getting it out of my head and on paper will reveal some answers and lift some of the fog of confusion I seem to operate under these days. More on that later, too...